recently i have been making an effort to socialise more and get to know some people better, normal people would call this being friendly however i am not normal and don't ever intend to be so i call it research. the conclusions i have drawn have been very varied and can be separated into groups and tree diagrams. the first branches are marvellous males and fabulous females because they are very different in many many ways that not even people of my intellectual well being can understand. through my lunchtime research i have managed to split the marvellous males into 3 categories: gentleman, people that put their litter in the bin and behave appropriately at all times (me for example); bottom gropers and pincher's, people that can't keep their humongous hands away from grasping the delicate flesh of a woman's derriere and clutching it preciously till the lady (in most cases miss E Webster for some unknown reason) screams stereotypically at them, i find these people could overcome there problems simply through talking or making a grand entrance much like my powerful strides as i grace the corridors of larkmead with my precious presence therefore reducing the bottom bruising for a girl; ruffian ridden peasantish poorly brought up good for nothing scoundrel who is a woeful waste of space, these people no matter how many times they are told by the education authority cannot amend their ways so i step in with my constant insults and 'owning good n proper' as Master Costello would say yet still they behave like monkeys and should be locked in cages at zoo's and laughed at by little children. for girls the categorising is much simpler however the criteria for each category is much more complex because girls are so diverse in their hobbies and behaviour as well as fitting in multiple categories so a Venn diagram would be appropriate. so on the right we have: china dolls, constantly putting on make up, worried about hair run with one hand across to stop it from flapping about because they are too inept to use a hairband for its desired effect, have stupid handbags, lack ambition want to work in hairdressers; ambitious adequately make up caked beautiful works of art with a brain delicately perched between their ears functioning fantastically in order to keep bowls whites white and are the next breed of business skirt wearing mortgage contributors that all men dream of waking up next to every morning before nudging them from their slumber and saying 'make us a cuppa love' before we go back to sleep ourselves; lastly and sadly we have those who's brains neither function well and was walloped with the JPJ Sanders branded ugly stick because i fought they were some sort of mythical creature (a witch) or as my father PJ Sanders calls them alcohol fuelled scientific accidents of which there could be no reverse.
so the war today is a battle of the sexes particularly against the group 'bottom gropers and pinchers' and during my times of research i have looked at body language and listened, observed, interviewed and scrutinised, drawing up the conclusion that creeping cat like across the playground approaching your victim as if your shark and there a surfers leg you get ever closer to their body, as your heart rate rises as you consider the moral consequences of your actions, as they still haven't turned round may also not have acknowledged previous attention grabbing gestures, as the gulls fly above circling the victims of their future digestion one last look up time to ready the hand, thumb and middle finger nano centimetres from each other arm anticipating force about to be exerted your metres away your beyond the point of return when you become a lobster to a shell, as now perches before your hand a rounded jelly apple shaped prize that has been your aim for the past 30 seconds the male mind wirring with impulsiveness at the silhouetted shape of the darling derriere, of which the result of this gesture is 'OUCH' is wrong. there are many who do agree with me (Miss Absolom for one) not all girls are like the ones you've probably seen on your internet rumpy bumpy sites or have those weird jewels which are meant to decorate their letterboxes. women are made to be respected which is why sexual harrasement laws came in under the conservative government many years ago. 'conservatives know how to treat women because the they were taught at school by men who knew how to treat women because they were conservative' so ladies how do we win this war against the bottom groping pinchers.
to win this war ladies we need to treat it like a game of netball (another thing i am currently studying) we need to work together starting from the backline with the goal keepers ball you need a strong agile goal defence to hold the attacking vultures at bay, a quick wing defence who can find solutions to get the ball clear and out of danger; a steady centre to dictate the happenings of the game and look after each and every component of defence and attack; a wing attack who is always on the look out for scoring oppurtunities or a way to manipulate the situation to their advantage; a goal attack who is always aware of where her partner in crime is who is like a magpie to a peice of jewellery once an oppurtunity to attack arises and a goal shooter who can hold their nerve to finish off what was a great attack. this same method can be used to fight this war we need to work together know what their going to do when they are going to do it so we can intercept the ball and get it to the goal attack by working together we can conquer the lobster like bottom groping pinchers. ladies swat away their hands attack them in the didgeridoo percussion feel their presence, they will be defeated by your female powers and my knowledge of men we shall emerge from the other side of the tunnel with your bottoms back to their pale white (orange if your a china doll) bruises will be healed through phagocytosis and you will live free from those pinches relieved of the stress of aprehension, for the consequences are too great for as OMD say they will touch you once, touch you twice and not let go at any price!
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