'no commitment, 'you're an embarassment, yes an embarassment, a living endorsement' said Madness as he looked accross the playground as well as a certain females news feed

i remember the day like it was yesterday and it's quite surprising how quickly that time has gone. 2 and a quarter years ago i got a new phone the nokia e63. the nokia e63 was a smart phone which i still have, it's actually my mothers phone although i bought her a much simpler phone as it was a bit confusing for her and she's not the most nimble with her fingers. i got the phone the day i started playing lawn bowls. it was a Friday, i had just arrived back from assisting a kayaking course (another sport that I've played) i had a shower did the hubba rubba dubba drying dance, with a towel wrapped wonderfully awesomely around my marvellous beautiful body, i ventured into the land down under (my bedroom) where lay a package with a phone (the nokia e63). the phone was really good and it engrossed me. fast forward to the indoor bowls season about October the three network kept sending me text messages about free facebook so i asked what facebook was at school to my Friend William 'Stamps' Greenwood and it turned out he had this 'facebook' so on a Saturday morning in October during qualifying for the Japanese grand prix i thought to myself why not get it, maybe i could become popular by being a bit more myself. over these past 2 years i think it was reasonably successful i wrote a book on there, i now have a group of girls i call Jordan's Angels who play netball with me on a Friday lunchtime. the problem is though is that some people use facebook as a medium for embarrassing people by uploading pictures of them in their underwear or if your Robin 'my dads a catholic preist' Butt them pulling their shirt up showing their marvellous god like figures (sarcasm) or most worryingly private conversations between people that may include things such as 'your just too good, too nice and too beautiful' (i do agree). as a result i think these people should amend their ways therefore people that try to humiliate and embarrass other people on facebook i pledge a war against you.

this war is one i genuinely am going to fight against as i do possess a conscience of some kind remarkably breaking generations of Sanders tradition. in my heart of steel which works on mobil 1 oil and deisel which with the rising fuel price is why i have not been functioning as well lately. by commiting these acts of humiliation and embarassment you are presenting yourself as (around the world of stereotyping in 40 insults) small minded, attention seeking, lonely, sad, bored, tractor joy riding, bin ignitor, belly exposing, can't play by the rules of rugby, attempts to speak french, future farmer, stuck in dark ages, struggles with friendship, doesen't understand feelings, inept, lack respect for other peoples privacy, lacks intelligence, bad taste in humour, terrible sense of humour, wears jumpers without clothes underneath, wears school shirts with missing buttons. i could go on but people are complaining about the length of my blogs. so possums we can rise above it and ignore it, hoping they mature although i sincerely doubt that judging by the way that some of them behave worst now than when i first knew them in the good old years when all i had to do was my homework and i could run around or rewatch all the classic formula 1 races. you see the problem is, is that some people think of themselves as very independant as they spend time out of their houses thinking their cool becuase they make flame throwers out of deodrant and a lighter or smoke or do any of the other stupid things the young males of today participate in. WELL YOUR NOT CLEVER YOU IGNORANT, ARROGANT WASTE OF FABULOUS FLESH AND MARVELLOUS MUSCLE. it's people like these that cost people hard earned achievements because they consume and deviate peoples valued time into paying them some pathetic attention. so troops lets name and shame these people and manipulate them into decent human beings who know when things are appropriate or not.

to win this war (which we will) can be done in either two ways we can stoop down to their level use some sense and intelligence and do it better. or alternatively teach them what is appropriate and decent by leading by example. i think a mixture of these 2 methods would work, the first one would give them a taste of their own medicine which is what some of them need. once we've humiliated them and they know how it feels to be on the recieving end we shall manipulate their tiny brains (shouldn't be hard) to knowing what is appropriate and what is not, what is funny and what is going to far to being unfair and insulting (what i saw today i felt most sorry for the female involved) these people just don't know how far too take it overstepping the mark and making themselves look really immature, childish giving the interpretation that they are not to be associated with as they do stupid things like that, sadly it may come to the stage for them when they no longer have friends as they have successfully managed to alienate and humiliate them to the point that they have had enough and go out into the bush land looking for nicer possums to chill up the eucalyptus tree with. if we do not put a stop to this they will continue to embarras themselves and their community maintaining as madness put it no commitment (lack appropriate commitment to peoples privacy and friendship), you're an embarassment (yes they are), yes an embarassment (just to emphasise the point), a living endorsement (an example of one of these people) so social delinquents prove me and madness wrong buck your idiotic ideas up rummage around a medical facility for some testicles duck tape them on in the correct place and become a man!       

whoa oh, its off to work he goes, in the name of science and all it's wonders, this is the story of Dr Heckyll & Mr Jive' said men at work 'the opposite of todays unemployed youth then' replied JPJ Sanders

today the gorgeous government (well the terrific Tory part of it) announced awesomely today that the unemployed orangutans who woefully don't dare to try awesome alliteration where wonderfully perfectly possible has horrendously peacefully passed the terrible ferocious figure of one million 16 to 24 year olds unemployed. extremely harshly in my opinion pointed their fingers in the direction of the coalition government (i had to get political at some point and i have lasted over 2 weeks which is more willpower than a boy sitting at a computer with internet and a box of tissues adjacent to them and a house to themselves) which currently consists of the parties that have as much in common as me and any teenage girl that doesen't involve me putting on a tight bib that matches my tight shorts and playing netball with them. the problem is is that all this unemployment wasn't caused during my early life it happened during Tony Blair and Gordan Browns reign of the democratic united kingdoms of England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland (won't be part of my United Kingdom). the damage that labour has done is irreversible which has had a knock on effect on the young people of today. as we emerged from the glorious 80's into the nineties things could not be getting better A-ha still at their height, men at work blessing the world with their australian rock, rolf harris crying on tv, Roald Dahl writing books not knowing that soon he would have a certain JPJ Sanders running around in his back garden with and sometimes without clothes on, petrol for under a pound, affordable insurance, housing market booming and most importantly of all conservatives in power! altough once 1997 came around it had all changed i was now running around the bowls greens of Worthing with clothes on, labour were now in charge, A-ha were on the decline and men of work had resorted to touring Brazil. with labour in charge everything went wrong till we come to today when labour have made over a million of the youth of today unemployed. even though i hate the colour red with all my heart which is the colour of labour and that place in Wiltshire we do not speak of. i do not blame the labour government for this but today i am declaring a war against the people that are unemployed! they lack motivation and intelligence so this should be one of the easier wars to win which is good because my army would have significant casualties due to the type of wars we have been fighting.

this war will be won through principles as well as a bit of history see during every conservative government there is a war, a few riots, strikes, mines closing and unemployment this is because labour turns you all into (another one of these rants were i go round the globe in 40 insults) a mixture of things because you do not have fear constantly smacking you in the face so you become zombie like creatures, idiotic nike tracksuit wearing numpties that think it appropriate to do a clothed striptease during PDC, reebok trainer wearing layabouts, Jeremy Kyle watching women beaters, rap music admirers, A-ha abusers, soccer playing baffoons, rumpy bumpy internet virus spreaders (which i haven't recieved), essex supporting bewildered soles, brainwashed body lacking a brain to brainwash, unmotivated, lacking work ethic, unemployable. no ambition, from a place where you are stereotyped negatively, lack famous relatives (i have winnie the pooh and my grandad Colonel Sanders which is a shame that i'm vegetarian), lack qualifications, absentminded, unpresentable, immature, a ruffian that ruins everything, gypse blood down the line, war game xbox players, addicted playing solos on the didgeridooers, female bottom pinchers and gropers, spends there money on alcohol and other addictive substances, deluded lusters, mirror breaking, smashed with an ugly stick, incorrect dialect, not an oxford united or leicester tigers supporter, aggressive, bemused and worst of all cannot speak the queens english. all these things combined leads to people being unemployed the world is not like a box of chocolates it's like an empty box of chocolates because you know at some point you are going to have replace that empty box or it will remain empty and useless. there will be times when you have to get a job, when you are going to have to seek the help of the glorious government because they are always right which is why i will run it because i am also right (but not arrogant, i'm reformed). there is only one way to get these people working and that's to go back in time like docter who but only i understand it and i can stand to watch more than 5 minutes before deciding it's too fictional and the storyline is unacceptable for my high standards of entertainment, this war will be won through verbal bullying and dangling carrots or in the case of some people a jelly mould of a girls bottom or bazoombas or fake tan and a padded bazoomba holder.

my famous relative mr Sanders

back in the 1930's there was the great depression that lead to world war 2. during this depression people like George and Lennie from of mice and men gathered their possessions together and searched for work anywhere they could they could not afford to be fusy you got your head down and got on with it. this attitude would be greatly recieved as you make your own luck in the world i know i do (you beat 270 people for a week of groping cars at the most successful formula 1 team through effort, determination as well as skill not luck) if you cannot find a job you make your own you think of what the world hasn't got and how it could be improved as a whole rather than selfishly moaning about how the government cuts got you fired becuase of the lack of effort you put in at school and in your career making you first out of the door as soon as the oppurtunity arose. theres always more than 2 ways of looking at a situation in addition to sticking to your morals knowing what you want and finding a way to achieve it. your career could last up to and beyond 50 years that's plenty of time to work your way up from a till bleeper to a department runner if you carry the right attitude and do it in a positive way because negativity gets you fired. as a result you pull your sleeves up (or turn the cuffs over once so it looks like you have in my case) get mucked in look back in time absorb inspiration like you do the latest gossip and the bazoomba holder size of Jessica Jane Clements from i'm a celebrity and the real hustle. buck your ideas, pull your black socks up if its a weekday and your white ones if it's the weekend and defy the stereotype of todays youth and be like Dr Heckyll and Mr Jive work late at the labratory cleaning the floors, go off to work in the name of science, who knows you may have songs sung about the story of i don't know Danny Costello and Molly Absolom perhaps. 

'while the king was looking down, the jester stole his hearty crown' sang Don Mclean. 'well if this happens in the music world no wonder royalty rarely visits Berinsfield' replied JPJ Sanders

'long long time ago i can still remember' was how Don Mclean started his famous song American pie, Don Mclean was American who sang a song that's been reasonably popular and listened to and sung along by all classes of life. i think this could well be because of the journey you are taken on by the meandering river of lyrics and the proper job acoustic guitars caressing the layers of vocal vocabulary that gently caresses our eyes as the vibration of Don's vocal cords make everybody feel included as there is at least 2 lines in the song that relate to everyone i am trying to do the same thing through my blogging as i never like to leave people out as i have an opinion on anything and everything that life launches at us through it's nuclear bombs we call lifes problems, we all have them even me and i have the perfect male brain through my aspergers syndrome which is also my problem. unfortunately the problems some people have led to the place they live being stereotyped. originally i thought that this was unfair but as my knowledge as expanded i have discovered that it is the people that make the community so if they behave in that way why not just say it straight use awesome alliteration and stereotype the lot of them. yes today's war is against the group of people that populate a piece of land which in 20 years time will be called Sandersfield, i am talking about a group of gentleman (yes there are exceptions and those people probably won't read this) that i have personally gone to the effort of naming the BERINSFIELD BENDERS, watch your pockets and don't leave your valuables in your car, your insurance won't cover you for this war!

this is a war that i pledge out of the kindness of my 56 beats per minute at resting heart, for i don't like stereotyping but if it changes their behaviour then that tactic shall have to continue. the population of Berinsfield consists of: dwarf like noisy people that get very aggressive when you mention their height; boxers that think they are permanently in the ring and decide rugby is just a bit too manly for them; obsessed lusters who are blinded by girls that are from that place in Wiltshire that shall never be named on this blog with their witchcraft mutations that seem to brainwash men with working testicles; gentleman who lack work ethic and have first names i can't remember who i call by their surnames who own motorbikes; meat cleaver yielding potential murders who live close to a balding adolescent who has a rather charming lack of eyebrows; curious people that ask whether Winnie the Pooh (another relative of mine) was a honey badger; banned from shops due to their past lack of regard for shop owners while playing soccer now can't go and buy lottery tickets; illegal immigrants that run the chinese as well as indian in addition to other stores the government is yet to check once making those checks closing down; adolescents that stand around in their segregated groups punching each other, discussing their past evening multi tasking which they define as playing on their microsoft branded xbox with one hand, playing a solo on their didgeridoo with the other lastly those that find it acceptable to take other peoples possessions before claiming them as their own (even my football socks have been taken although i blame a fishy friend of ours) however some of them take it further trying to sell their pykied possessions to other members of the public. to fight this war will be quite easy with the appropriate strategy.

the strategy we can use is quite simple we either embrace their berinsfield benderish ways avoiding showing them our sentimental valuables through not taking them with us to school or keeping them deep in our side trouser pockets deprieving them of accessong our valuables unless they want to risk being addressed as a homosexual which is fine anywhere else in Oxfordshire apart from Berinsfield there'll probably be an angry mob waiting outside your bus stop laden with professional rumpy bumpiers to convert you back onto the straight and narrow. the second option is that we brainwash them to avoid temptation this will take longer to carry out although once they have been reformed like me for example (obnoxious gossiper to arrogant opinionated agony uncle who writes a blog to let the world know how he feels in the form of writing in more than 140 characters) they should never go back to their own ways avoiding the fate the previous generations may have faced or at least the previous inhabitants of the ruffian ridden squatting peasant who was evicted by my grandmother after a year of court injunctions in the late 1980's. the problem is is that some of these people aren't willing to change as it's not a case of a few ruining it for everyone but the majority sucking in the minority like a hungry hippo that causes these permanent stereotypes unless we can change the current generation we are exposed to this war could last for years, decades, generations possibly even to the year 3000 where not much would have changed but they may live underwater. it's a shame this civil war must commence but as it must persist first i have to get some shots becuase who knows where they've been
 what they've touched and seen.
 there may be fatalaties,
 motivation lacking as a result of the casualties
but one thing will never change
my somewhat strange
will to win
even when threatened to be put in the bin
becuase we will unite to win the war
and give the poor old man back his door
which when searched contained a hearty crown
the one the king was wearing when he looked down
which is why
don mclean educated us through the song American pie!       

'i touched you once, i touched you twice, i won't let go at any price' said OMD 'your just like a year 11 around a girls bottom' replied JPJ Sanders

recently i have been making an effort to socialise more and get to know some people better, normal people would call this being friendly however i am not normal and don't ever intend to be so i call it research. the conclusions i have drawn have been very varied and can be separated into groups and tree diagrams. the first branches are marvellous males and fabulous females because they are very different in many many ways that not even people of my intellectual well being can understand. through my lunchtime research i have managed to split the marvellous males into 3 categories: gentleman, people that put their litter in the bin and behave appropriately at all times (me for example); bottom gropers and pincher's, people that can't keep their humongous hands away from grasping the delicate flesh of a woman's derriere and clutching it preciously till the lady (in most cases miss E Webster for some unknown reason) screams stereotypically at them, i find these people could overcome there problems simply through talking or making a grand entrance much like my powerful strides as i grace the corridors of larkmead with my precious presence therefore reducing the bottom bruising for a girl; ruffian ridden peasantish poorly brought up good for nothing scoundrel who is a woeful waste of space, these people no matter how many times they are told by the education authority cannot amend their ways so i step in with my constant insults and 'owning good n proper' as Master Costello would say yet still they behave like monkeys and should be locked in cages at zoo's and laughed at by little children. for girls the categorising is much simpler however the criteria for each category is much more complex because girls are so diverse in their hobbies and behaviour as well as fitting in multiple categories so a Venn diagram would be appropriate. so on the right we have: china dolls, constantly putting on make up, worried about hair run with one hand across to stop it from flapping about because they are too inept to use a hairband for its desired effect, have stupid handbags, lack ambition want to work in hairdressers; ambitious adequately make up caked beautiful works of art with a brain delicately perched between their ears functioning fantastically in order to keep bowls whites white and are the next breed of business skirt wearing mortgage contributors that all men dream of waking up next to every morning before nudging them from their slumber and saying 'make us a cuppa love' before we go back to sleep ourselves; lastly and sadly we have those who's brains neither function well and was walloped with the JPJ Sanders branded ugly stick because i fought they were some sort of mythical creature (a witch) or as my father PJ Sanders calls them alcohol fuelled scientific accidents of which there could be no reverse.

so the war today is a battle of the sexes particularly against the group 'bottom gropers and pinchers' and during my times of research i have looked at body language and listened, observed, interviewed and scrutinised, drawing up the conclusion that creeping cat like across the playground approaching your victim as if your shark and there a surfers leg you get ever closer to their body, as your heart rate rises as you consider the moral consequences of your actions, as they still haven't turned round may also not have acknowledged previous attention grabbing gestures, as the gulls fly above circling the victims of their future digestion one last look up time to ready the hand, thumb and middle finger nano centimetres from each other arm anticipating force about to be exerted your metres away your beyond the point of return when you become a lobster to a shell, as now perches before your hand a rounded jelly apple shaped prize that has been your aim for the past 30 seconds the male mind wirring with impulsiveness at the silhouetted shape of the darling derriere, of which the result of this gesture is 'OUCH' is wrong. there are many who do agree with me (Miss Absolom for one) not all girls are like the ones you've probably seen on your internet rumpy bumpy sites or have those weird jewels which are meant to decorate their letterboxes. women are made to be respected which is why sexual harrasement laws came in under the conservative government many years ago. 'conservatives know how to treat women because the they were taught at school by men who knew how to treat women because they were conservative' so ladies how do we win this war against the bottom groping pinchers.

to win this war ladies we need to treat it like a game of netball (another thing i am currently studying) we need to work together starting from the backline with the goal keepers ball you need a strong agile goal defence to hold the attacking vultures at bay, a quick wing defence who can find solutions to get the ball clear and out of danger; a steady centre to dictate the happenings of the game and look after each and every component of defence and attack; a wing attack who is always on the look out for scoring oppurtunities or a way to manipulate the situation to their advantage; a goal attack who is always aware of where her partner in crime is who is like a magpie to a peice of jewellery once an oppurtunity to attack arises and a goal shooter who can hold their nerve to finish off what was a great attack. this same method can be used to fight this war we need to work together know what their going to do when they are going to do it so we can intercept the ball and get it to the goal attack by working together we can conquer the lobster like bottom groping pinchers. ladies swat away their hands attack them in the didgeridoo percussion feel their presence, they will be defeated by your female powers and my knowledge of men we shall emerge from the other side of the tunnel with your bottoms back to their pale white (orange if your a china doll) bruises will be healed through phagocytosis and you will live free from those pinches relieved of the stress of aprehension, for the consequences are too great for as OMD say they will touch you once, touch you twice and not let go at any price!