'he likes to have the morning paper crossword solved, Words go up words come down Forwards backwards twisted round' wrote Pal Waaktar Savoy. JPJ Sanders replied with 'well the crossword is about the only thing you can believe these days'

this morning after I'd finished my morning grooming. my grandmother and I had our usual morning argument
Grandmother: you didn't wake me up again you bloody sod
JPJ Sanders: well i couldn't hear choking so i presumed you were either awake or dead
Grandmother: oh charming, so you wouldn't even check to see if i was alive or not.
JPJ Sanders: well if you were dead i wouldn't have to fight over the bread knife and the toaster would stay the right temperature!
Grandmother: and what if i was alive
JPJ Sanders: I'd get my ice buns on a Monday and the house would be adequate for someone of my stature
Grandmother: so is that all I'm good for
JPJ Sanders: well i wouldn't say you were good at it you forgot to get me one 2 weeks ago and you wouldn't step over a person who'd keeled over to get me one.
with the argument won making it Grandmother 0 JPJ Sanders 1009 i continue with the daily routine step silently down the stupidly silly shaped stairs. coming down the 14th step i tug at the jammed paper put in the wrong way by the ruffian of a paper boy we have in peachcroft. observe the front of it. skim read the articles at the front before flipping the paper over. slapping it down next to my toast, my face spreads with delight as i read that my mighty youthful yellows won't have to pay a penny for Lewis Guy, opening the paper onto the penultimate pages all i see is negativity about the RFU (yet another place my input is needed) a footballer who's stated something that was appropriate 20 years ago and a another club that has to close down because labour promised them money that didn't exist which of course the conservatives will quite rightly not give them. so feeling a bit depressed i look for some encouragement that the world is a place full of wonder. well that's a mistake, front page emblazoned with a teenage grandmother violator who asked about the war (tip: play bowls they give you mars bars then as well), articles about fly tipping terrors, lead stealing pikes and worst of all Christmas advertisements! the only encouraging thing i found was the renaming of Abingdon to it's official and correct name of Abingdon on Thames (which is what South Abingdon should be called) and Sandersdon (what North Abingdon will be called in 10 years time due to my lawn bowling achievements as well as that I'll be the mayor of Abingdon by that point) it is for this aura of negativity that I JPJ Sanders declare a war against journalism!

throughout my 16 years i have been a journalist, an editor and even produced a news report with Mrs Downes, Lord Allen, Mr Greenwood and Mr 'Stig' Speke which has appeared on BBC news. in addition that i will in fact be contributing to the Larkmead Times either through my poetic perfection or by posting an edition of this thing called a blog into it. i also thought that rather than add to the negativity squashing the print onto the paper that I'd find solutions to peoples problems through the JPJ Sanders agony uncle page called the Sanders Solution. therefore i know how these: pot bellied, German car driving, lazy, privately educated, cosmetically enhanced, nasally, fold up bicycle riding, charity mocking, arrogant, ignorant, obnoxious, petulant, no trousers, pointy Italian shoe wearing, moss bros suited, celebrity groping, hard partying, champagne chomping, impatient, intolerant, disrespectful, poor researchers, phone hacking, keyboard bashing, littering over paid, miserable, sexual harassing and the worst thing of all thrives on the worlds negatives when theres positives all around as they do not believe in the big society yet for the sake of having rumpy bumpy with an attractive women would say that they were socialist. journalists today disgust me, especially with the new found evidence of the impact the phone hackers have had on their victims. i would like to think that it was not intended that everyone with any class and dignity left within them would unfortunately be dragged along like a dog that invades the schools premises should be. who was to know that rich, formula 1 stealing, American accented, privacy persecutor would have been up to such terrible things. there is only one way to fight this battle that will cause mass blood loss through paper cuts as well as more misery than a carol concert where the person below you keels over from a heart attack which served him right for singing Gloria so loudly and badly. grab the anti depressants and go forth to victory.

this is the intended battle plan, ignore all the negative things that they are saying and interpret them as positive which will work for about 3 days before you become on of these brainwashed negatively filled gorilla gawpers. or theres my method start small and slowly but surely through our adolescent arrogant awesomeness take them on at their own game, piffer them with positivity, challenge them with compliments, look like you give a damn about the stories your doing, stamp on their cigarettes, cut the point of their ties, use our modern dialect to baffle them boisterously and most importantly look for the positives that the world provides tell people about them the boy that pays lawn bowls with the elderly, the boy who turned down a county bowls game in order to watch Oxford United play Cheltenham, the boy who writes a blog at 1 o'clock in the morning to give your mornings a purpose or if your in Russia your lunchtimes, America your evenings and Australia your afternoon. the way we achieve this is simple we exploit their naivety believe them when they say we can't we have all the assets we need to make this work. intelligence, sense of humour, power hungry, attractive, innovative and best of all pikes and scary people to get the equipment we need to produce our weapons against the world of journalism. the world needs positive news to bring us all together take on the natural problems the Earth is providing us with. together we can achieve anything because if we don't we'll end up like Pal Waaktar Savoy's friend, get the morning paper solved due to the jaded journalists way of making words go up, come down, forwards backwards and even twisting them round. this is a problem that is getting out of hand unfortunately do some previous trust invested in these people they cannot fight the war against them. although just because they can't doesn't mean that i will give up. this war will be one of attrition so bring the digestives to mop up the spillages, this might just get messy!   

'the time has passed for choices, golden days are passing over yeah' sang ozzy. JPJ Sanders replied 'are you sure i hear they're just beginning'

i woke up at 7am this morning but as i was up so late last night declaring war against people who do not have ambition i decided that i would treat myself to a 15 minute 30 second lie in, i did the usual routine shower, hubba rubba dubba drying shake, brush teeth, reincarnation of the lynx advert, get dressed, make lunch, dry up lunchbox, toast bread, pour milk, get out plate, eat toast drink milk, shoes, coat on, bike out, ride bike pass people who gawp in awe at my speed, get to school, gossip, go to tutor, gossip, engage brain for school, gossip, go home, gossip on facebook, do homework, watch i'm a celebrity, now i'm about to declare a war before going to bed. although today was a bit different for a start i was at school till 5PM, in addition to going to John Mason school to discuss THE FUTURE! it was an exciting evening as me and my grandfather strided around chests puffed out ready to declare an interest where appropriate. i bounded up to the government and politics table, introduced myself declaring my interest in that subject, discussing reforendum's, tory manifesto, Barack Obama and the rest of American politics. in fact the talk was going so well i practically became the first member of the 16-18 government and politics debating group. it was time for a short stroll over to Mr Adams to discuss economics and how we are all affected by them. now came the time for the worryingly frequent thursday evening chat with Miss Halliwell about lawn bowls and cycling. i looked around that room and saw a mixture of expressions, excitement spread accross some, bewilderment over my grandads (he's never ever started an exam let alone considered higher education), horror over those daunted by the acedemic challenge lying before them. however what i found upsetting was the look of dazzled depressed misery which had engulfed their entire evident bodies. it is because of this i feel i have been left with no choice but to use my powerful position to make us all feel better about the future after all if the aspergic can cope with it then anyone can. so negative future outlookers i declare a war against you.

the reasons why i declare a war against such a vunreble, unloved, broken, challenged, easily influenced, argos shopping, never got over woolworths closing down, still heart broken from the break up of A-ha and S-club, scared, dieting, aesthetically worried, panicked, confused, bemused, premiership football club supporting, London Irish or worst London Wasps supporting, worried, deferrs from controversy, keeps them opinions to themselves, socialists, quiet group of individuals is that they need to face the fact that my mother has been injecting me with for 16 years, CHANGE IS GOING TO HAPPEN, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! so from my experiences i have learnt that with every change there is indeed positives and negatives ups and downs confusing between east and west, north and south. you just have to turn your compass, find your bearings, get your head down, use some initiative, ask for help, listen to me, read my blog, be commited, be motivated and everything will fall into place provided the effort is there. see by embracing change you can get a head start because your body will be prepared for the shock of the new challenge the new day and the new dawn. change can be a relatively easy thing to deal with as long as you know that some things will remain the same for example: i have the same lunch everyday, i have the same bedtime routine, i sleep on the same pillow, i get dressed in the same order (boxers, shirt, socks, trousers, tie, jumper) i even have a routine before every Oxford United home game, i always go to the same toilet cubicle and take the same route to my seat. as you've graciously gathered there are some things that will never change no matter what life hurls in your trajectory. therefore men and women (i may be a bit of traditionalist but i'm not a sexist) we need to find these Wally's put them in fluroscent clothing (i can never find them when they were those red and white hoops) making them evident to the outside world that they are not to be touched till they embrace change.

in this society we live in life is so unpredictable that we do not have time to waste wondering what negatives the future may hold, instead we look for the solutions to these negatives as quickly as possible, helping people who require similiar solutions in order to avoid a future dilemma where no one has the answer and you just run around slapping random pictures and text on a board while everyone else around you shouts at you for some unknown reason. the culmination to the problem is one of lasting logic, change your state of mind from negative to positive that way you are more prepared for what lies ahead as you see a way to meander like the middle course of the River Thame around the problem we all face. there is no point on considering whether past choices were the right ones because we have made them they were right at the time yes we all have regrets (i'm regretting starting to write this at 11pm everynight) but at some point in our lives we have to make choices in order to know when faced with a recurring problem the alternatives. use the future as inspiration through the hard times, use the future to break through the wall, use the future to adapt yourself for the better. for the golden days will never pass it is up to you to make the golden times whether it's impersonating your grandparents snoring to someone with a headache trying to find people suitable to create your army of godchildren. there is no such thing as an end to golden days just that the format of them will change the people you choose to spend them with may change but one thing will never change and thats your principles your lifelong routines that help you deal with change and most importantly of all ME, i sincerely doubt that i will change. i'll always be having golden days telling people about my life on the bowls green, educating people of the JPJ Sanders way, writing books and declaring wars. our golden days will never conclude we have a lot to learn because who knows what the golden days will bring? how do we know when they will begin? 

'don't believe in all that you've been told, the sky's the limit, you can reach your goal' said Rachel Stevens 'who knows what the future holds, there aint nothing you can't be' replied Sir JPJ Sanders PM

i sit on the science stools, next to master Harris and Miss Jones. duck the utensils thrown by Mr Greenwood whisper things into miss Jones ear about Mrs Downes while she's distracted by Miss Shipway. gossip about who's been up to what, who should be with who, who's become even uglier, who has improved that sort of thing that i'm famous for. today though my fun was interrupted by the creation of a mind map all about 'ME THE GREATEST' which mr put on his. i had to put my hobbies and interests (lawn bowls, politics, cycling, sport, athiesm) my school achievements (rugby, gold certificate, history achievement award) all of which i achieved in year 7 don't know where it all went downhill from there but it has! also there was past work experiences for which i could put 2 weeks sitting on my arse talking bowls to Miss Greenways grandad, as well as the highlight of my life crushingly defeating, humiliating, bewildering, marooning 270 people for a weeks work experience (or groping formula 1 cars and getting excited by the smell of carbon fibre cooking). putting personal qualities was a bit of a challenge i almost had to get another peice of paper i could list so many i started with modesty because i think this is my best quality! we added lots of other things to this mindmap including your plans for the future. i put 3 things, 2 realistic the other 1 in case something as disastrous happened like S-club breaking up, a labour/lib dem coalition, Boris Johnson not being the mayor of London. so plan A was simple become prime minister of this interesting island, plan B even simpler own a formula 1 team or be the commercial rights holder (what Bernie Ecclestone currently does). now for the back up plan become an accountant after all i'm alright at maths i live a boring lifestyle i can use microsoft excel, i'm not the most handsome of gentlemen (an example of my modesty), i lack a intentional sense of humour and i revell in routine. in fact all these possible occupational vacancies i get paid an extortionate amount of money to do a lot in a short space of time then spend the rest of time talking about how i won at bowls last night or attempt to impress some females with my story of the Sanders tradition of abandoning your children and doing one better than their father. 'my great grandfather abandoned my grandfather in Scotland, my grandfather abandoned my father in germany and my father abandoned me in Australia, so i'm going to push the boat out and aim to abandon my marvellously challenged cherubs in space'. but the thing that annoys me most is a lack of ambition. so todays war possum is against those amongst us who do not reach for the starts as well as not aspiring to climb every mountain higher than it has been climbed before.

there is nothing i find more annoying in society than a lack of ambition, theres no point in just achieving your potential or setting your potential yourself because that is all you'll ever achieve what's the point in becoming just a hairdresser when you could be the best that has ever graced peoples hair with scissors. cut hair belonging to such people as Sir JPJ Sanders PM or his lawyer Lord Allen. if you do not strive to exceed your goals then you are not trying your best, if you are not trying your best, you are not doing it properly or to an appropriate standard meaning that you are not respecting your profession, disrespecting all of those that do their jobs properly every day which is not fair on the consumer. see the attitude of i'll 'JUST' become a hairdresser ist nicht gut genug fur mich! (is not good enough for me!) you have to want to be something in order to do it properly, my mother wanted to be a speech therapist she went to Edinburgh university got a degree in speech therapy here we are today with my mother currently in a travelodge working in a specialist school for autism and aspergers as a speech therapist in Southend. see in order to have a career in your profession you have to make sacrifices be dedicated and adjustable otherwise you don't have the desire to be a successful member of your profession. it's people like these that make my blood boil, these: unmotivated, unambitious, hard partying, casual rumpy bumpier, depressed, unsettled, stressed out, miserable, facebook moaning, confused, ungrateful, failures of humanity, unchallenged, alcohol dependant in order to forget their problems, coffee drinking, jeremy kyle watching, socialist supporting, untidy, unsupported, all inclusive holiday goers, child neglecting, miss sexy trouser wearing, horrendous heel blisterers, Blackpool weekend retreaters and worst of all blame other people for their failings. we are all responsible for our luck in this world as we make our own oppurtunities, over 270 people applied for a weeks work experience at Williams f1 we all aplied through writing an essay and a letter to them. yet for some reason they picked mine, was it my essay or the effort i've put in past projects that impress them. sp troops lets take a whip each, find one of these unambitious lay abouts strike them with our egyptian whips till they beg for mercy (hit them a few more times just so they actually change their ways) make them work harder, achieve more, enjoy the feeling of satisfaction i get pressing the publish button at the end of each post and most of all make them more respectful to those that do put the effort in.

the way to change them is relatively simple we need to chuck them into the unknown give an incentive for them to try their best because no one cares what happens unless you try your best and have worked as hard as you can. culture is a forever changing thing once one person changes everyone will be pretty soon to follow make them realise the benefits of ambition because without ambition you achieve very little satisfaction and mainly feel guilt at the oppurtunity you are wasting, deprieving someone who would put their all into it from putting their all into it. so what we need is someone who has no shortage of inspiration, motivation, ambition and lots of other things ending with ion. someone who is constantly exposed to these people. someone who is never afraid to make their feelings known to all someone who is prepared to marvellously manipulate modesty into a manner that allows people to preech how beautifully brilliant they are inspire inconspicuously the masses stamp on modesty give it what it deserves modesty gets you know there modesty gets you to your tiptoes acquire arrogance intercept ignorance climb the nearest mountain never say no always say yes look back at what you've achieved remember how you overcame the hard times apply them to the future, listen to s-club, pay attention to peers, revell under the pressure, be proud of yourself and your profession. reach for the stars climb every mountain and that rainbow will come and shine on you making your dreams, desires aspirations no longer be dreams, desires or aspirations but reality. because there aint nothing you can't be you can be whatever you want to be with all the talents you possess!         

'does he clean up? no he never cleans up, does he brush up? never brushed up he does nothing, the boy does nothing' said Alesha Dixon 'give the boy a break, it's harder than being a judge on strictly come dancing' replied JPJ Sanders

according to the Oxford Collins dictionary (as oxford will always be better than Cambridge) a male is something denoting the sex that produces gametes, especially spermatozoa, with which a female may be fertilized or inseminated to produce offspring:

JPJ Sanders definition of male: a beautiful being with a didgeridoo between his legs, lacks bazoombas, terrible with compliments, likes to pinch the bottoms of females beings, contributes to all of lifes misery, lacks maturity, likes sport, always showing off, ignorant, arrogant, rude, obnoxious, lacks responsibility and overall child bearing/naturing skills. full to the brim with spermatozoa constantly obsessed with the fluid and the land form they could potentially create through the movement of their hips called rumpy bumpy.

as the definitions above will inform you, men are very simple but complicated organisms who come in many shapes and sizes. some short (abingdon town u16's) some tall (every other 15/16 year old not in Abingdon town u16 fc) some more covered (an American for example) some thin (an Ethiopian or other famine stricken country that requires our help). although you have some in between, these people are thin but covered, muscular, not very tall though. slap bang in the middle of the samatotype pyramid. as i said today at some point during the day, 'see this' giving the hips a bit of a shake 'most people strive for the 6 pack, however i decided I'd go one better and get a keg, but as i thought in for a penny in for a pound i got the fridge to go with it' this created a degree of amusement for my peers which was intended, although it triggered something else within about the male personality. you can never assume a males personality it's not like a girls were you know it's a bit like this: jason bellber liker, uno direzione admirer, Ed Sheeran sucker (is now a good time to mention miss Shipway) likes to party, lambrini lover, smartphone possessor, gossiper, enjoys shopping, likes to sing and dance, concert goer, loves every female like a family member, football hating, rugby loving, dreams of owning little challenged cherubs (because of their father in my case), focused on their appearance the list is endless, and hopefully you get my point girls are relatively predictable once you know one of the group the rest are quite similar apart from the exceptional one that even all the boys keep their distance in case their fingers melt trying to touch the beauty that is the female body. women are beautifully brilliant till they are provided with a medium to express their confusion about the behaviour of the marvellous male. therefore men lets gather ourselves from beneath the ladies weight of insults about our bamboozling behaviour. today i stand forth, in the meantime declaring war against the female method of stereotyping males.

throughout life there will always be exceptions, which for most of my life i have been one. i like 80's music, i play lawn bowls, i wear lycra before throwing myself down a hill touching 50 miles sometimes, i'm vegetarian, aspergic and dyspraxic, i don't have an ipod, i don't like alcohol, i support Australia even though i'm 3/4 english technically, i wear jeans and rugby shirts, i have curly hair and most wierdly till recently i struggle to find anyone else attractive other than myself. the point i'm attempting to make is that it is wrong to stereotype because ladies you are trying to condense us into a blender making us all the same. see the thing is, us boys have sort of brought this upon ourselves due to the fact that as a result of being male we discover things at different times (i discovered the joys of partying on Saturday) this must make it repetitive for girls as one by one we discover the joys life provides us with just a few years earlier or later than our female counterparts. i'm sure if i was a female i would be miserable as you look upon that handsome male with the awesome abdominal muscles playing table tennis, making strange noises and running around like a lunatic. while a less handsome male with terrific thighs invents events and exaggerates facts in order to improve his social interaction. therefore boys there is only one way to fight this war against the female image of the stereotypical male, we must have a meeting, mind map, brainstorm, have a kit kat break, compare boxer shorts and most importantly begin with an inspirational speech from Margeret Thatcher passionately performed by myself in the accent of Boris Johnson.

this war can be overcome by using the male bond we all share, realise where we are going wrong and how to improve. face our fears of females talk to them get to know them, compliment their beauty in unusual ways (got me slapped but might work for you) meander them with conversation compliment the people they are with (other than yourself as i found out to my peril) be prepared to upset people through voicing your opinions say it as it is. that way people know you are being honest with them gaining their respect, offer them your seat, offer to take them home even after they accusse you of intending to rape them, generally be a gentleman. as you know due to my lack of social skills i have had to research body language and listen to what they say concentrate on conversations, adjust your life phrase of 'be safe be seen look arrogant wear lycra' to 'be safe, be seen, look handsome, wear your heart on your sleeve' it is our duty as males to prevent unnecessary damage which is why we avoid confrontation when calm, focus on it when angry, be rude and horrible to each other to enhance the humourous mutual understanding we possess. although girls are different to girls so maybe we should once in a while clean up after ourselves put our rubbish in the bin,  make an effort to brush up our behaviour so girls can stand to be around us. maybe we should put a smile on Alesha Dixons and all other members of the female race faces make something of ourselves because once one of us knows its right we'll get there sooner than later.        

'i've had the same jeans on for four days now, i'm going to go to a disco in the middle of town, everybodys dressing up, i'm dressing down' said Miss View 'well i wore freshly trouser pressed jeans and went to a party with a bottle of fanta and a cup, robbing pringles in the process' replied JPJ Sanders

Saturday was probably the most prestigious day in my entire 16 years and 52 days. i was aged 16 years and 50 days. the time was 7 o'clock time to put the plan that had taken 10 minutes over the course of the week to make into action. plan was simple, party would start miss Jones would lay off alcohol text me what was going on i would arrive when the party was quiet so i could sneak in un noticed. however that didn't work! so here is what happened at Miss Turner's party, my first party (since her twins Jason's 12th birthday party when we went bowling and had pizza which i didn't enjoy because i had a swollen lip from rugby) for 1455 days. the time was coming up to 7 o'clock i had kept in contact with miss Jones throughout the day, i texted her after bowls, i texted her while i was out doing a 45 mile loop riding my bike shouting my new slogan 'be safe be seen look arrogant wear lycra' at anyone unfortunate enough to be around wooton between 11.15 and 1.30. i was so certain that the plan would work i broke tradition, stopping mid flow of the rubba hubba dabba drying shake to answer on of her texts. i texted her just before 7 to see if she was in the party, no reply. i assumed she was and carried on doing DIY with my brother which generally consists of a massive argument, which results in me eating a kit kat while my brother builds the furniture. 7.30 still no reply.CRAP plan falling to pieces, scroll through phone book looking for numbers of people who are at the party Master Hopkins i'll text him. so i text him:

Me: remind zoe to text me at some point please
Master Hopkins: i'll text you instead
Me: okay give me a 2 minute warning

Me: do you guys need anything

2 phone calls later i am on my way at 8 0'clock exactly a bottle of fanta and a cup under my chin i waddle from Peachcroft road to Brode Close, turning left into brode close i am greeted by mr downes and Master Hopkins who have managed to lock themselves out of the party making it the 3 of us outside miss Turners door trying to grab the attention of someone through the window to let us in. we grab the attention of master Kerry. who opens the door however this isn't without incident as me and Mr Downes get stuck in the door trying to go through it at the same time, pushing against each other we get in, hopping over the shoes i have achieved my goal i am in the party. i put my fanta down pour myself a cup take a sip before it is filled with Fosters (great Australian beer apparently) Budweiser (whatever that is) and Vodka (i know what that is and it didn't really contribute a lot) as is the entire bottle. i sit down and mingle before learning i am the sole sober beautiful being. i end up back at my house sooner than expected with a badly bleeding Mr Wellstead thanks to Miss Palmer (Mrs Downes) who once recieving Sanders medical care was back of to the party with me in no time. so i start partying again, i have a picnic with Miss Shipway and start drinking cordial because my fanta doesen't taste very nice although this is disrupted by everyone being intoxicated, crying, vomiting, being aggressive as i try to give them water, while these people are vomiting the son of my schools head teacher Master Harris decides he needs the toilet gets his didgeridoo and lets fly unable to do anything but laugh as my life becomes a carry on film. once these people have emptied their stomachs of whatever was in there some people fall asleep now the fun begins, as will be shown in a photo. as the party wears on i rename the Turners garden to the JJ hospital as i look after 4 people who have had too many for their little bodies therefore resort to being in a state familiar to a koala that's been knocked out a tree by my fathers bowling. the party continues i let in more guests because i'm JPJ Sanders and i'm like that, one of the patients of my hospital and their future husband had both fallen asleep so i manipulate them slightly, jump over the billabong of vomit into a plant do the pose of power with my thumbs pointing up towards the sky. it looked a little like this    

it was bed time for some at this stage, not just for these two above but the two sitting on white plastic chairs with their heads between their legs, who i had to carry inside who today were gloating about the fact that they woke up next to someone  as i feel it is wrong for me to pledge a war today due to the fact that i wasn't invited as well as inviting other people who may have violated the kitchen with Miss Jones. in addition i feel i have a duty to compliment the people who were invited as you did behave better than i was expecting apart from the crying, vomiting, whining, undoing my shirt buttons, spiking my fanta, drinking out of my cup, hurling abuse at me, cuddling me and attempting to kiss me. although i can't complain it was my first party for 1455 days so i'm still getting used to mass social interaction outside school premisis. like all great things that involve me i give awards to those that i think deserve them. for letting me stay and being a great host i award Miss Turner award for hosting parties. second award for damage limitation goes to Mr Hopkins for getting me into the party. Mr downes for being quite humourous and being a gentleman around his future wife. fourth award for most miraculous recovery goes to Mr Saulter as he went from floor to being shouted at by me to get into the box in 12 hours. award for upsetting the most people goes to Mr Wallsworth because for once i don't recieve that award he made a great effort and managed to upset 2 people compared to my 1. award for best dressed i would give to myself but i feel it's only fair that i give it to a girl so as an apology for saturday Miss Greenway that prize is yours. the penultimate award for arriving in style to the biggest cheer has to go to me because it does. award for best drunken incident has to go to Mr Fiddaman for having to hacksaw a ring of his finger. one more because i'm the host award for most humourous drunk Miss Palmer till you passed out, i was laughing internally forever at the way you were unable to control your vocal vibrations beyond sounding like a chucklebrother. now for the thankyous. i thank Mr Hopkins and Mr Downes for letting me in and correcting the plan. Miss Turner for my breakfast the following morning which i accidentally left with. my mother for believing me about it being Marcus's surprise birthday party. so in comparison i think Miss Turners house party was a success as well as being better than that disco Miss View went to. although possums be on guard because tomorrow normal service resumes. the JPJ SANDERS WAR ON EVERYTHING CONTINUES!!!