according to the Oxford Collins dictionary (as oxford will always be better than Cambridge) a male is something denoting the sex that produces gametes, especially spermatozoa, with which a female may be fertilized or inseminated to produce offspring:
JPJ Sanders definition of male: a beautiful being with a didgeridoo between his legs, lacks bazoombas, terrible with compliments, likes to pinch the bottoms of females beings, contributes to all of lifes misery, lacks maturity, likes sport, always showing off, ignorant, arrogant, rude, obnoxious, lacks responsibility and overall child bearing/naturing skills. full to the brim with spermatozoa constantly obsessed with the fluid and the land form they could potentially create through the movement of their hips called rumpy bumpy.
as the definitions above will inform you, men are very simple but complicated organisms who come in many shapes and sizes. some short (abingdon town u16's) some tall (every other 15/16 year old not in Abingdon town u16 fc) some more covered (an American for example) some thin (an Ethiopian or other famine stricken country that requires our help). although you have some in between, these people are thin but covered, muscular, not very tall though. slap bang in the middle of the samatotype pyramid. as i said today at some point during the day, 'see this' giving the hips a bit of a shake 'most people strive for the 6 pack, however i decided I'd go one better and get a keg, but as i thought in for a penny in for a pound i got the fridge to go with it' this created a degree of amusement for my peers which was intended, although it triggered something else within about the male personality. you can never assume a males personality it's not like a girls were you know it's a bit like this: jason bellber liker, uno direzione admirer, Ed Sheeran sucker (is now a good time to mention miss Shipway) likes to party, lambrini lover, smartphone possessor, gossiper, enjoys shopping, likes to sing and dance, concert goer, loves every female like a family member, football hating, rugby loving, dreams of owning little challenged cherubs (because of their father in my case), focused on their appearance the list is endless, and hopefully you get my point girls are relatively predictable once you know one of the group the rest are quite similar apart from the exceptional one that even all the boys keep their distance in case their fingers melt trying to touch the beauty that is the female body. women are beautifully brilliant till they are provided with a medium to express their confusion about the behaviour of the marvellous male. therefore men lets gather ourselves from beneath the ladies weight of insults about our bamboozling behaviour. today i stand forth, in the meantime declaring war against the female method of stereotyping males.
throughout life there will always be exceptions, which for most of my life i have been one. i like 80's music, i play lawn bowls, i wear lycra before throwing myself down a hill touching 50 miles sometimes, i'm vegetarian, aspergic and dyspraxic, i don't have an ipod, i don't like alcohol, i support Australia even though i'm 3/4 english technically, i wear jeans and rugby shirts, i have curly hair and most wierdly till recently i struggle to find anyone else attractive other than myself. the point i'm attempting to make is that it is wrong to stereotype because ladies you are trying to condense us into a blender making us all the same. see the thing is, us boys have sort of brought this upon ourselves due to the fact that as a result of being male we discover things at different times (i discovered the joys of partying on Saturday) this must make it repetitive for girls as one by one we discover the joys life provides us with just a few years earlier or later than our female counterparts. i'm sure if i was a female i would be miserable as you look upon that handsome male with the awesome abdominal muscles playing table tennis, making strange noises and running around like a lunatic. while a less handsome male with terrific thighs invents events and exaggerates facts in order to improve his social interaction. therefore boys there is only one way to fight this war against the female image of the stereotypical male, we must have a meeting, mind map, brainstorm, have a kit kat break, compare boxer shorts and most importantly begin with an inspirational speech from Margeret Thatcher passionately performed by myself in the accent of Boris Johnson.
this war can be overcome by using the male bond we all share, realise where we are going wrong and how to improve. face our fears of females talk to them get to know them, compliment their beauty in unusual ways (got me slapped but might work for you) meander them with conversation compliment the people they are with (other than yourself as i found out to my peril) be prepared to upset people through voicing your opinions say it as it is. that way people know you are being honest with them gaining their respect, offer them your seat, offer to take them home even after they accusse you of intending to rape them, generally be a gentleman. as you know due to my lack of social skills i have had to research body language and listen to what they say concentrate on conversations, adjust your life phrase of 'be safe be seen look arrogant wear lycra' to 'be safe, be seen, look handsome, wear your heart on your sleeve' it is our duty as males to prevent unnecessary damage which is why we avoid confrontation when calm, focus on it when angry, be rude and horrible to each other to enhance the humourous mutual understanding we possess. although girls are different to girls so maybe we should once in a while clean up after ourselves put our rubbish in the bin, make an effort to brush up our behaviour so girls can stand to be around us. maybe we should put a smile on Alesha Dixons and all other members of the female race faces make something of ourselves because once one of us knows its right we'll get there sooner than later.
No comments:
Post a Comment