'cheer up Brian, you know what they say' sang Monty, JPJ Sanders replied with 'what do they say Monty, i think that man sighing on the sofa wants to know'

when i was a young adolescent i was never content with life and was described by the future mother of my godchildren Miss Jones as a 'hunchback in notre damm impersonator, who just cowered in the corner jumping every time the bell went off' well the last thing still happens regularly (twice today) but the others are a thing of the past unless a someone of the teaching profession rudely states that i am not as good as i think i am. i still get the occassional bout of misery depending on how tired or stressed i am, although now that i am a young adult i have discovered solutions to my misery: 1. offend the nearest person because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time 2. do one of my rants threatening to strike like a public sector worker 3. do an impression of someone that has caused my miserable sorry state 4. make a generalisation about society that offends everybody 5. go and play netball 6. talk to my angels (not many men can say they have those) 7. shout political piffle at a ruffian 8. gossip about everyone that is anyone which in my opinion is everyone 9. write a poem about my marvellous muscular physique 10. declare war against something that causes me misery, so the world (U.K, U.S, Russia, Ireland, Germany) know how i feel about it. these solutions work as those of you that attend the loving larkmead community will know as especially if you are a berinsfield bender as you bare the brunt of my misery. the Sanders family do in fact have another reputation other than abandoning children which is of being able to see the negative of everything as well as dwell on it for the next week or so, for example i was victorious yesterday my jubilant jacks won their third game of the season against the wantage wanderers in the Thursday evening bowls league putting us third in the table, you would have thought that i would be quite pleased about that but i'm not because although my team mates bowled well i was not up to my exemplury standards therefore i believed it to be a wasted evening. christmas is another thing i am scrooge times 10. i have never had an advent calendar, i give free ikea pencils as presents if their lucky and i don't open my pittiful presents till the 27th December. but christmas is a subject i will cover in the next 3 weeks. the rest of the year though i am my typical ompnipotent self, creatively complimenting (innovatively insulting) people who cross my path. however the thing i can't comprehend is the way that some people can never see the positive of anything 'why can't anything be simple' 'no matter what we try and do there's always something that buggers it up' '*sigh* for god sake what is it now' are a few of the phases i hear repeatedly during my daily battle for survival. as a result of their failure to picture positivity i JPJ Sanders declare a war against misery in addition to those that seem to suffer the effects permanently. the thing i find most upsetting about people who suffer the permanent stress side effect of misery is that they become very predictable once you learn their mannerisms. 'how was your day?' 'pretty crap to be truthful' 'how was the traffic?' 'the same as always a bloody nightmare' 'toad in the hole for tea tonight' 'okay, hope it's warm this time' 'what do you want to watch?' 'anything that's not that reality rubbish on itv 2' 'are you coming up to bed?' 'you know me anything to get the day over with quicker' this pedantic predictible personality does make it very hard. if it was not for my change in ways i would be lonely, self concious, shy, quiet, depressed, self loathing, blue, unmotivated, insociable, predictable, baggy short wearing, tight t-shirt wearing, be one of those at the end of the day i get satisfaction from knowing that i'm a day closer to death, wear school uniform that fits, do my top button up, wear the losers larkmead tie and not have a picture of power on the sports hall wall of fame, people hating, black jeans wearing, lay in bed waiting for a purpose to get out, social networking site abusing sort of person instead i am a slightly sociable, couldn't give a damn about what anyone else thinks of me, not afraid of confrontation especially if i know i'm right (which is all the time), noisy, jovial, self loving, yellow, motivated, slightly sociable just to reiterate the point that i'm now reformed (cycled to and from school with 3 different people Miss E Wheatcroft, Master Harris and Mr Palmer who's dad looks like Rolf Harris), unpredicatable, tight short wearing, even tighter t shirt wearing, one of those who looks forward to the challenges the next day brings, wear school uniform 2 sizes too small in order to set a fashion trend that quite hasen't taken off yet but is bound too in due season, do all buttons up apart from the top one, wear the super sports tie and have a picture of power on the sports hall wall of fame, still people hating but not all of them, multicoloured jean wearing, spring out of bed looking for the next challenge (usually trying to get my trousers on as Mr Roebuck knows all to well the difficulties i have), social networking site approving sort of person. it is much easier to embrace a positive, motivated, unpredictable person like myself (unless your aspergic in which case its easier the other way round) than a negative, unmotivated, predictable person like Mr Andrews who will help me sort out the oil problems this country faces although i'm already doing that through being a russian celebrity (good morning St. Petersburg). so troops lets put a smile on these peoples faces as there's something they've forgotten and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, so when they are feeling in the dumps i believe they are behaving as quite silly chumps. the benefits of winning the war on misery is that it will help the whole world, people will be nicer to each other, want to spend time with one another, like one lover to another ahaa, people will be able to rely on each other and i can't remember anymore of the words. the solution is clear we need to give them something to smile about like an ice bun after a stressful Monday, a slice of tiger bread to commence the weekend, a quiche to celebrate the beginning of a new week and the ending of another, a lady in the jungle with large bazoombas and an australian accent if your H the estate agent or Mr Meredith who's parents spelt his first name wrong, realising their mistake blamed it on being scottish, the handsome hunk who abbreviates their forename to 3 letters who writes a blog to solve the problems faced by todays population. as you can see in order to win the war on misery and those that suffer from the side effect of stress and tiredness we all need to pick a person learn their routines and change it (not if their aspergic or autistic that only makes it worse) by surprising them with things they wouldn't expect: analyse their reaction to it, if positive do it again, if negative nature will eventually take its course till they become the afterlifes problem. there are many things that attempt to collate a summary of life and how people live in a serious way however these fail because they take it seriously. the key to learning about life is to watch humourous films from previous generations like the carry on films or the one that really understands how life works which is of course the terrific longelified 'Life of Brian' i feel that the film is something we can all associate with because it does inform us of how to live our lives as well as appealing to people who have too much time on their hands (i'm about to lose all my American readers) religious people. you see troops some things in life are bad (war, ruffians, Berinsfield, South Abingdon, rumpy bumpy, Essex, adverts on the television, someone taking your space in the bikeshed, animals) and these things can make us mad, while other things (female cackles, football, Labour, Liberal Democrats, public sector strikes, female bottom pinching gropers, modern music performers, fashion, gypse bowls club invaders, pykies) just make you swear on curse. for life is rather quite absurd and death's the final word if your human unlike me, you must always face the curtain with a bow after performing a peice of poetry perfection and winning a mug in the talent contest. i mean life really is at times awful when you look at it but being miserable is not the way to overcome it, for isn't life a laugh and death a joke it's true i said the other day Mr Downes should take up drowning for a sport, you'll see as you mature that life is a show, so you must keep them laughing as you go, remembering that people will reminise the fact that the last laugh was on you and as a result there is no point being miserable therefore you should always look on the bright side of life.

'Money get away, get a good job with more pay and you're okay' stated Pink Floyd. JPJ Sanders replied with 'it's not me you need to tell it's those in the public sector'

30th November 2011, a cricket playing, geography teaching, ipswich supporting, Norwich loathing, aussie abusing, oxford inhabitant, 5 a side football playing male who goes by the name of Mr Speke decided not to come to school today as he is part of a union which by law he is allowed to do so who do not like the conservatives. 30th November 2011, a lawn bowls playing, geography student, Oxford united supporting, that place in Wiltshire that we will not name loathing, aussie aspirer, Abingdon inhabitant, not a 5 a side football playing male but still a member of the marvellous male race who goes by the name of JPJ Sanders cycled to school today to work on his chemistry controlled assessment, because he is not part of a union as well as agreeing with what the conservatives are doing because it will enable future growth for the economy of this interesting island. i was not alone at school today there was Mr Mullord, Mr Downes, Mr Lyne, Mr Davies and one of my favourite conservative Northerners Mr Keelan. Mr Speke was not alone either, he was joined by fellow members of the teaching profession, docters, bin men, public transport drivers, occupational therapists (my auntie) and anyone else who gets their money from the government. these people thought it appropriate to take the measures of walking through our cities dressed as clowns, batman, normal civilians, people with urchins within their uturus and any other dispicable thing i find terrifying to look at in order to get the government to change their mind about making them pay more from their comfortable salaries into their pension pots but get less out, although what they have forgotten is that it is at least another 30 years before they retire we will not be in recession then as the profit from giving them less back contributes to the economical growth and the plan will change for the better. see the problem is, is that i've lost a valuable day of my education, my mock exams start on friday some in the subjects i should have had today, i believe this to be gross negligence of their responsibilities to the government to educate the younger generations. closing the school this soon to mock and real exams cannot be a way to effectively carry this out so because of this i declare war against the public sector! this war i have declared is one that i am supported by the commendable conservative party, the people who have had to miss appointments, people made unable to do their job because they had to look after their urchin as their school was closed, people going to hospital appointments which were cancelled, people who wanted their bins emptied, people who wanted to get to their work without contributing to the myth of climate change through travelling in their cars, people requiring occupational therapy, all those other government services which aid the functioning of this congeniable country. when you work for the public sector you are making it your duty to help this superlative society improve in any way you can, whether it be putting out fires, catching and locking up pykies, teaching geography the future prime minister, helping those that don't like food like food and get back to work, helping people get rid of their rubbish and aid those that are unfortunate enough to be suffering discomfort through illness as well as other more painfult things. i think the behaviour from some of the unions was: unacceptable, predetermined, unnecessary, inappropriate, french like, unfaithful, negligable, an excuse for a day off, foreshadowed, confrontational, one says jump over board they all follow like noahs animals, one big publicity stunt, a search for given respect, the ringing of water from the wet t shirt, a desperate attempt to make the conservatives change, the kitchen sink to be able to afford that Spanish villa (which turns out to be badly built and falls over in a storm), a wish to have their opinion known and the grand finale to promote the daily struggle they face in their professions. well i hate to say this but listen to my good friend David he said it was like that animal that's in the water but the last letters a b not a d. oh yeah 'a damp squib' basically meaning you compromised your futures further by not accepting that change is compulsory, the money you were promised by glutenous Gordan and dunce Darling. they should be thankful they are getting a pension at all, at least they will definitely get one that exsists not a imaginary labour letter saying it's lost somewhere. so troops lets get things back to normal using a good bit of democracy or do what i've done upset them all. so how have i upset them all? by telling them what i think therefore making their priority telling me how i'm wonderfully wrong even though i am characteristically correct. the solution is simple we need to have a strike of our own next time they change something we've all agreed to. this union thing can always be used as a retalliation, we can form our own union if the public sector can so can the people who use the public sector. after all we are a democracy so no one can tell us were in the wrong, have i done so no, i've given my view analysed the situation looked at the results and made conclusions about how successful they were. everyone has a point to prove, everyone always wants something more, everyone is a human being with the genetic material to desire. if people aren't happy about what the bankers are doing go and join them as a member of the public sector you can't beat them only increase the gap between you and them. by joining them you won't have to worry about your pension, you'll earn enough through making up imaginary bonuses which labour allowed them to do. working for the public sector is not about money it is about satisfaction that is why it is run by the government. if you do not want the satisfaction don't moan and negatively impact the people that require your occupation. after all your money can get away, you can get a job with more pay and still be okay.

'tie me kangaroo down sport' sang Rolf, JPJ Sanders replied with 'that's not all you need to tie down how about that sheila with the long blond hair?'

due to my supposed rise in popularity more people want to spend more time with me, this has been something i have been trying to achieve since those cold winter days holding hands with lunchtime supervisors in primary school trying to find my friends or anyone that would talk to me. i have always been the outspoken, fearless critic that i express to pretty much everyone and everything that happens to cross my path. i have always enjoyed saying it as it is as i see it when i see it to where and whom is near. i'm not quite as bad as i make out, but my primary school life was a battle to find a place where i was socially accepted and people enjoyed my company. i know i'm not the only one that faces this problem in the world because like Brian preeched while in a dressing gown 'you're all individuals' and he's right i play bowls, Miss Jones dances, Miss Webster finds me humourous, Mrs Downes doesen't, Mr Downes likes to play central defensive midfield, Sheila likes to play in goal. everybodies personalities are different some like to avoid serious things like myself, others prefer to embrace them. some people are very positive about life like my marvellous mother others prefer to prepare themselves for the worst also known as the JPJ Sanders method of dealing with all of lifes problems. however there are some people among us who do react in a completely different way, a way so innapropriate people are afraid of confronting them about their aggression and unpredictableness. although due to my stupidity combined with my awesome arrogance as well as inspirational ignorance today i declare a war against people who need to be confronted but scare people into not doing so. as i've aged, the days before retirment are getting less and less i have begun to relish the time i have left with those i hopefully wish to see no more once this year is over. as most of you who have spent any time with me at all would know, i'm never afraid to speak my mind. unfortunately though there are those among us who treat the routine challenge like a aggressive, tractor crashing, bin igniting, long haired baboon, over determined, balshy, spoilt, massive chinned, tall, highly tuned solo on the didgeridoo player, arrogant, marcham massive moron, women obsessed, disilhusioned, unaproachable, intimidating, insecure, impulsive, narrow minded, believes he is inferior and what could be possibly worst than frustrated in a rumpy bumpy manner. people like this infuriate me as no one knows where they stand with them. whether they should stand with arms folded (in case they need to protect the face from being punched) or by their sides (in case of a surprise fertility test which i worryingly keep failing) or alternatively protect both by having one on your hip the other smoothing your sideburn. these people must be stopped, their ways musy be changed. it is unfair that we moan about them behind their backs ignore them when they make eye contact and come up with some excuse about getting dust within the eye. they should know what they are doing is wrong but they don't. i have had to put up with people like this for the entirety of my life therefore i JPJ Sanders have taken it upon myself as usual to gather the troops and fight the war against people who need to be confronted but scare people into not doing so. so troops the battle plan is simple we need to stop avoiding confronting these people they will continue if we do not stop them. we have to remember it is not just for our benefit but for theirs as well. here's what we do we get a fearless power hungry person who feels no emotion or pain to write something on the internet about them (i'm doing that now, after people have read the blog we can apply a little thing called peer pressure to persuade the rest of them to join us in battle. once the troops are equipped the battle can commence so we start like nothing is happening everyone is getting on with their normal lives i'm standing with my angels gossiping my back to the year 11 males deprieving them of the sight of Miss Webster's and Miss Watts' bums. we approach the person that needs to be confronted like the forest that kills Macbeth. someone talks to them normally dropping hints about what is about to happen. the bombshell has been dropped the confrontation has begun we express our feelings towards them making them feel guilty about the way they've treated their peers. how the way they behave is inappropriate and harmful. by this point we go for a more light hearted approach stating positives about them (this may be difficult so write some planned ones before hand) this will make them feel more secure about their personality. this is the solution to the big society, the nucleus of the thriving community, the key to successful matrimony. for there are too many of these sorts of people in the world that are their own worst enemies make other peoples lives a misery. the only other solution is to treat them like a kangaroo; tie them down after every verse once the cockatoo has been cooled. but we all know what happened in the end he was tanned to the hyde once he was dead by a man called friend however i for one do not want that to happen so lets work together, make a difference to our lives for the great of good. pluck up some courage and confront the Sheila with the long blond hair.

'Now the boys who put the powder on the noses of the ladies of the harem of the court caractacus were just passing by' sang Rolf Harris, 'are these the same boys that use hair removal cream on their legs and stomachs?' queried JPJ Sanders

during my 16 years on the planet, i have achieved rather a lot in that time, one of my proudest achievements was to become a published author in an Anothology called 'Flapjack' within this anthology was writing from Miss Shipway, Miss Mount, Mr Greenwood, Miss Cave and myself. my piece of literature was a poem about myself. it went a bit like this:

i look into the mirror
and try to stand nearer
for my beauty is seducing
as well as utterly inducing

that's just the first four lines of my 26 line detailed tale of what i do in the mirror when i come home from the gym on a thursday. once every 2 weeks when i go into either of my 4 bathrooms (2 in each house i live in) i stroke my fragile face realising that yet again a moustache and sideburns are not for me. so i decide that they must go. 10 minutes later losing blood from every cut caused by my lack of practical skills and general ignorance to health and safety, i come to the conclusion well growing a beard is both less painful as well as less effort. but there are those among us that belong to the marvellous male species who feel that their face is not enough to groom that the rest of their body parts covered in hair are unattractive with hair therefore decide to use methods of hair removal cream, waxing and the good old fashioned razor with shaving foam. i feel that people like this need a bit of support which i of course am going to provide the only way i know how. so today possums i declare war against those people that do unmanly things to themselves.

as you all know i struggle to understand the world and how people work so when people discuss things that i believed only a woman did; i get very confused and adgitated to the point that i research it so i can take a point of view on the matter. Having listened to this conversation then standing on a chair infront of my sports studies class and preached to the masses like my arch nemesis Jesus would have done 1995 years before me, it did create unintended humour but i was attempting to find out whether it was a normal thing for Mr Jones and others to do. however the people i've known to have done similiar in the past were: wastes to humanity, violent, abusing, mickey taking, sonic the hedgehog impersonators, prison dodgers, future benefit frauds (or homeless tramps when i'm in power), dog like, thieving, punching, brainless, pain inducing, disgusting, spitting, body spray smelling, the smallest contributor to society, someone that infuriates me to the point that if they ever came within a metre of me i would use my muscular toned thighs and caressed calfs striking their head clean off their neck like a giraffe to a lion (Miss Jones you now how i feel i just thought i would reenforce it) so back on topic after that outlet of aggression there, men are supposed to be hairy if you look through the generations or at Mr A Stunnel you can clearly see that the hair on our body serves a purpose through vasoconstriction as well as vasodilation which keeps us warm aiding homeostatis, i've heard the theory of that relenquishing the didgeridoo beard can make a males didgeridooicus bigger however this isn't possible therefore all you are doing is ticking boxes on Lord Allens criteria for a companion (don't tell him he might carry out that libel threat for what i asked him about his mother). see i always believed that women removed their bodies of this naturally occuring fur in order to distinguish themselves from their male counterparts, although i have learnt that apparently it makes them feel more comfortable well all that happens with me is that i end up with tissue paper stuck to my face, wincing everytime i touch it. so troops as a result of my bamboozlement i request that we fight a war against these people making them more manly!

so marvellous men and wonderful women lets gather ourselves up from this confusion, have a sip of apple juice, get someone to help you off a chair as the supply teacher walks into the room. this war is a complicated one for me personally as being a person stuck in a time warp who belongs in the 1980's but has somehow ended up in the year 2011, men are meant to be attractive to a female when they are covered in blood, mud with a story to tell. a swollen lip from a stray boot, a gash above the eye from a tacklers elbow, a wonky nose from a bang of heads competing for the ball not getting your eyebrows waxed, a spray tan and removing hair from your stomach and didgeridoo thats what a female does with her friends before putting on facebook 'i love you' 'you don't need any of those boys there all numpties' followed 15 minutes later by some song lyrics from a guy wearing a stupid hat who can't recite poetry probably. men are meant to behave like monkeys who have been taught to dress themselves and use cutlery not spending hours in a salon, our didgeridoos getting cold while we wait for the bigger person to squeeze themselves into the disposable underwear before us. were meant to grow our hair till we look like a tramp and get it cut short but spiky, moan all the way home because it has cost us £9.50 not spend a ludicrous amount being pampered by lifes unmotivated that will doers. we are men, we must do what men do, punch each other in the arm, get dirty, grow beards, drink fanta, steal pringles, make inappropriate jokes, lust after women with big bazoombas, darling derrieres, be slightly perverted. so come on men lets chuck away our cosmetics, face dirt, give each other dead arms, talk about the bazoomba bounce and most importantly of all be ourselves. after all we are men were ignorant we can't comprehend the pain we give women, their lucky we shower at all. I will not give up till i hear women moaning about our eyebrows, cringing at our stomach hair, gawping in horror at the sight of us on return from the rugby field. after all i think a gorgeous girl in a position to admire your hairless body has far more pressing concerns.