during my 16 years on the planet, i have achieved rather a lot in that time, one of my proudest achievements was to become a published author in an Anothology called 'Flapjack' within this anthology was writing from Miss Shipway, Miss Mount, Mr Greenwood, Miss Cave and myself. my piece of literature was a poem about myself. it went a bit like this:
i look into the mirror
and try to stand nearer
for my beauty is seducing
as well as utterly inducing
that's just the first four lines of my 26 line detailed tale of what i do in the mirror when i come home from the gym on a thursday. once every 2 weeks when i go into either of my 4 bathrooms (2 in each house i live in) i stroke my fragile face realising that yet again a moustache and sideburns are not for me. so i decide that they must go. 10 minutes later losing blood from every cut caused by my lack of practical skills and general ignorance to health and safety, i come to the conclusion well growing a beard is both less painful as well as less effort. but there are those among us that belong to the marvellous male species who feel that their face is not enough to groom that the rest of their body parts covered in hair are unattractive with hair therefore decide to use methods of hair removal cream, waxing and the good old fashioned razor with shaving foam. i feel that people like this need a bit of support which i of course am going to provide the only way i know how. so today possums i declare war against those people that do unmanly things to themselves.
as you all know i struggle to understand the world and how people work so when people discuss things that i believed only a woman did; i get very confused and adgitated to the point that i research it so i can take a point of view on the matter. Having listened to this conversation then standing on a chair infront of my sports studies class and preached to the masses like my arch nemesis Jesus would have done 1995 years before me, it did create unintended humour but i was attempting to find out whether it was a normal thing for Mr Jones and others to do. however the people i've known to have done similiar in the past were: wastes to humanity, violent, abusing, mickey taking, sonic the hedgehog impersonators, prison dodgers, future benefit frauds (or homeless tramps when i'm in power), dog like, thieving, punching, brainless, pain inducing, disgusting, spitting, body spray smelling, the smallest contributor to society, someone that infuriates me to the point that if they ever came within a metre of me i would use my muscular toned thighs and caressed calfs striking their head clean off their neck like a giraffe to a lion (Miss Jones you now how i feel i just thought i would reenforce it) so back on topic after that outlet of aggression there, men are supposed to be hairy if you look through the generations or at Mr A Stunnel you can clearly see that the hair on our body serves a purpose through vasoconstriction as well as vasodilation which keeps us warm aiding homeostatis, i've heard the theory of that relenquishing the didgeridoo beard can make a males didgeridooicus bigger however this isn't possible therefore all you are doing is ticking boxes on Lord Allens criteria for a companion (don't tell him he might carry out that libel threat for what i asked him about his mother). see i always believed that women removed their bodies of this naturally occuring fur in order to distinguish themselves from their male counterparts, although i have learnt that apparently it makes them feel more comfortable well all that happens with me is that i end up with tissue paper stuck to my face, wincing everytime i touch it. so troops as a result of my bamboozlement i request that we fight a war against these people making them more manly!
so marvellous men and wonderful women lets gather ourselves up from this confusion, have a sip of apple juice, get someone to help you off a chair as the supply teacher walks into the room. this war is a complicated one for me personally as being a person stuck in a time warp who belongs in the 1980's but has somehow ended up in the year 2011, men are meant to be attractive to a female when they are covered in blood, mud with a story to tell. a swollen lip from a stray boot, a gash above the eye from a tacklers elbow, a wonky nose from a bang of heads competing for the ball not getting your eyebrows waxed, a spray tan and removing hair from your stomach and didgeridoo thats what a female does with her friends before putting on facebook 'i love you' 'you don't need any of those boys there all numpties' followed 15 minutes later by some song lyrics from a guy wearing a stupid hat who can't recite poetry probably. men are meant to behave like monkeys who have been taught to dress themselves and use cutlery not spending hours in a salon, our didgeridoos getting cold while we wait for the bigger person to squeeze themselves into the disposable underwear before us. were meant to grow our hair till we look like a tramp and get it cut short but spiky, moan all the way home because it has cost us £9.50 not spend a ludicrous amount being pampered by lifes unmotivated that will doers. we are men, we must do what men do, punch each other in the arm, get dirty, grow beards, drink fanta, steal pringles, make inappropriate jokes, lust after women with big bazoombas, darling derrieres, be slightly perverted. so come on men lets chuck away our cosmetics, face dirt, give each other dead arms, talk about the bazoomba bounce and most importantly of all be ourselves. after all we are men were ignorant we can't comprehend the pain we give women, their lucky we shower at all. I will not give up till i hear women moaning about our eyebrows, cringing at our stomach hair, gawping in horror at the sight of us on return from the rugby field. after all i think a gorgeous girl in a position to admire your hairless body has far more pressing concerns.
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