this morning after I'd finished my morning grooming. my grandmother and I had our usual morning argument
Grandmother: you didn't wake me up again you bloody sod
JPJ Sanders: well i couldn't hear choking so i presumed you were either awake or dead
Grandmother: oh charming, so you wouldn't even check to see if i was alive or not.
JPJ Sanders: well if you were dead i wouldn't have to fight over the bread knife and the toaster would stay the right temperature!
Grandmother: and what if i was alive
JPJ Sanders: I'd get my ice buns on a Monday and the house would be adequate for someone of my stature
Grandmother: so is that all I'm good for
JPJ Sanders: well i wouldn't say you were good at it you forgot to get me one 2 weeks ago and you wouldn't step over a person who'd keeled over to get me one.
with the argument won making it Grandmother 0 JPJ Sanders 1009 i continue with the daily routine step silently down the stupidly silly shaped stairs. coming down the 14th step i tug at the jammed paper put in the wrong way by the ruffian of a paper boy we have in peachcroft. observe the front of it. skim read the articles at the front before flipping the paper over. slapping it down next to my toast, my face spreads with delight as i read that my mighty youthful yellows won't have to pay a penny for Lewis Guy, opening the paper onto the penultimate pages all i see is negativity about the RFU (yet another place my input is needed) a footballer who's stated something that was appropriate 20 years ago and a another club that has to close down because labour promised them money that didn't exist which of course the conservatives will quite rightly not give them. so feeling a bit depressed i look for some encouragement that the world is a place full of wonder. well that's a mistake, front page emblazoned with a teenage grandmother violator who asked about the war (tip: play bowls they give you mars bars then as well), articles about fly tipping terrors, lead stealing pikes and worst of all Christmas advertisements! the only encouraging thing i found was the renaming of Abingdon to it's official and correct name of Abingdon on Thames (which is what South Abingdon should be called) and Sandersdon (what North Abingdon will be called in 10 years time due to my lawn bowling achievements as well as that I'll be the mayor of Abingdon by that point) it is for this aura of negativity that I JPJ Sanders declare a war against journalism!
throughout my 16 years i have been a journalist, an editor and even produced a news report with Mrs Downes, Lord Allen, Mr Greenwood and Mr 'Stig' Speke which has appeared on BBC news. in addition that i will in fact be contributing to the Larkmead Times either through my poetic perfection or by posting an edition of this thing called a blog into it. i also thought that rather than add to the negativity squashing the print onto the paper that I'd find solutions to peoples problems through the JPJ Sanders agony uncle page called the Sanders Solution. therefore i know how these: pot bellied, German car driving, lazy, privately educated, cosmetically enhanced, nasally, fold up bicycle riding, charity mocking, arrogant, ignorant, obnoxious, petulant, no trousers, pointy Italian shoe wearing, moss bros suited, celebrity groping, hard partying, champagne chomping, impatient, intolerant, disrespectful, poor researchers, phone hacking, keyboard bashing, littering over paid, miserable, sexual harassing and the worst thing of all thrives on the worlds negatives when theres positives all around as they do not believe in the big society yet for the sake of having rumpy bumpy with an attractive women would say that they were socialist. journalists today disgust me, especially with the new found evidence of the impact the phone hackers have had on their victims. i would like to think that it was not intended that everyone with any class and dignity left within them would unfortunately be dragged along like a dog that invades the schools premises should be. who was to know that rich, formula 1 stealing, American accented, privacy persecutor would have been up to such terrible things. there is only one way to fight this battle that will cause mass blood loss through paper cuts as well as more misery than a carol concert where the person below you keels over from a heart attack which served him right for singing Gloria so loudly and badly. grab the anti depressants and go forth to victory.
this is the intended battle plan, ignore all the negative things that they are saying and interpret them as positive which will work for about 3 days before you become on of these brainwashed negatively filled gorilla gawpers. or theres my method start small and slowly but surely through our adolescent arrogant awesomeness take them on at their own game, piffer them with positivity, challenge them with compliments, look like you give a damn about the stories your doing, stamp on their cigarettes, cut the point of their ties, use our modern dialect to baffle them boisterously and most importantly look for the positives that the world provides tell people about them the boy that pays lawn bowls with the elderly, the boy who turned down a county bowls game in order to watch Oxford United play Cheltenham, the boy who writes a blog at 1 o'clock in the morning to give your mornings a purpose or if your in Russia your lunchtimes, America your evenings and Australia your afternoon. the way we achieve this is simple we exploit their naivety believe them when they say we can't we have all the assets we need to make this work. intelligence, sense of humour, power hungry, attractive, innovative and best of all pikes and scary people to get the equipment we need to produce our weapons against the world of journalism. the world needs positive news to bring us all together take on the natural problems the Earth is providing us with. together we can achieve anything because if we don't we'll end up like Pal Waaktar Savoy's friend, get the morning paper solved due to the jaded journalists way of making words go up, come down, forwards backwards and even twisting them round. this is a problem that is getting out of hand unfortunately do some previous trust invested in these people they cannot fight the war against them. although just because they can't doesn't mean that i will give up. this war will be one of attrition so bring the digestives to mop up the spillages, this might just get messy!
No comments:
Post a Comment