'We don't need no education' said the person who was about to put another brick in the wall for below minimum wage!

as a male aged 16 it is compulsory for me to drag my body with 900 newtons of gravity acting upon it out of my bed at 7 o'clock each morning into the shower by 7.03, heave it out from underneath the messaging jets of water at 7.07, wrap my body in a blue towel (for some reason in the Sanders/Hobbs household we only have blue towels) giving me my body the hubba dubba morning rub, a scottish technique that's been passed down from generation to generation in order to wake up, get dry and prepare for the sanity sapping day ahead. after that 2 minutes of minty marvell (i do enjoy brushing my teeth). now for the grand finale i displace the aerosol guns from their holsters and shoot their contents over the upper part of my body while striking the pose from the lynx advert in the mirror making me feel both irrisistible and gorgeous (it's a good job i don't take myself to seriously as you would have learnt from my past work in flapjack and why men are so confusing JPJ Sanders sticking up for the male race). once i've finished 'putting my face on' i get dressed into my gleaming black trousers, undo the top 2 buttons on my freshly pressed designer George school shirt before placing it over my head and tucking it into my trousers; wrap wonderfully my tie around my neck caressing it into a knot stroking it till it reaches my naval and beyond. now for breakfast the same thing i have everyday hazelnut chocolate spread on my toasted for 2.19 minutes toast. once eaten it's time to make my lunch the same lunch I've been making since i was 5, a cheese sandwich, a packet of walkers salt and vinegar crisps and a cereal bar of some sort (us aspergics like to eliminate the days variables).

so once the morning duties are concluded it's time to mount my steed for 2.38 mile ride to school. i arrive at school put my bike on the second row in the 6th column moving any other thing that is there somewhere else. i stride into the hall where i greet my close associates: 'H' the estate agent, Calum Bryn Meredith (who's parents spelt his name wrong), Mr Patel (the half Indian computers expert), Mr Rexter (the inbred from Swindon who somehow mutated back to normal), the Berinsfield Benders and the Marcham Massive. now comes the first of ten daily rants (why I've started to write this blog) today's was about the bus driver who got me plastered in mud due to his poor sense of common decency.

now let the battle commence, i enjoy school because i like to possess knowledge which i can use to enforce my hunger for power, as well as to manipulate people into believing the correct things which is of course what i believe in. i believe in my omnipotent, omnibenevelont opinion (yes i do use that in essays) that ruffians should be taken care of in an appropriate manner which is of course having them smacked round the head or having some sort of mental or physical pain inflicted on them, 'if it worked during the last great depression it will work on the youth of today during this one' my good friend Arthur announced to  me when it wasn't our turn to bowl yesterday. see the problem is, is that the jungen leute (young people) of today are not shown the level of discipline they should by either there parents: who are most likely the same as their peasant of a child (a ruffian is born a ruffian because they've been a ruffian for generations); or the education authority who in my experience have failed to make it in their chosen career (biologist for example) as a result feel that they are still of an adequate quality in their profession to teach it to people who should value their wisdom. however we don't because like i said they've failed, they are the lowest part of their proffesions pyramid who waste their time and efforts on the people who are the next breed of drug fuelled, wife bashing, gambling, nicorette addicted, alcohol dependent, unprotected rumpy bumpiers, sti causers, uneducated, gay gilet wearers, nothing better to do than play solos on their didgeridoos while watching internet rumpy bumpy players, rock and bass listeners, benefit cheating, unmotivated, unambitious, hyena like laughers, hamster like runners, unprepared for lessons, time wasting, profile picture liker, non sensical lyric writing, un disciplined, no common sense, unemployable, god's cock ups, bmx riding, nappy wearing, premiership football team fan, litter throwers, animal like behaving, blackberry owner, micky taker, homophobic, illiterate, stupid hair styled, working class, contempt with council house living, government scroungers, racist, xbox playing, disilhusioned, oblivious to their downfall, dangerous moto cross riders, inconsiderate, glory supporting, lack of work ethic, all conclusive holiday goers, debt ridden monkeys, pub brawlers, intolerant of foreign work ethic, aussie abusing low life big society ruiners and last but no means least make other peoples lives harder through their unfocused uninterested small excuse for a brain.

this war will never be won unless we do something about it we need to stand up to the ruffian ridden peasants pull their trousers up, pull their ties down, ring their mothers, strike, lock them in cupboards, deport them to gain respect for their foreign counterparts and bash some sense into them. although it's people like these who somehow end up employed mainly by their fathers (sometimes it's the mothers at fault) who then off loads them onto another firm where they take oppurtunities away from people who deserve them because they've used their initiative and worked hard to gain the qualifications to do the job the ruffian has taken from them who rather than does the job properly couldn't give a damn about the consequences of their actions (or lack of).

in my mind that is wrong people should get what they deserve in life and be allowed to do jobs that they are qualified to do not be at home looking accross the road at some low life society ruiner just sitting on the scaffolding while his dad builds the extension they've been paid to complete. although occasionally they do something but with the wrong attitude and take the wrong approach to doing it. they think that they're right, that dad was always going to give him a job no matter who's learning they ruined who's potential they squashed like the cans they throw at the lower years! they are not aware of how hard their life could have been or how much better they could make theirs. however they never will because they are standing there next to a wheel barrow of bricks moaning about the time he had to spend at school which he did not use to his benefit or make the most of the recources at his disposal because he never needed educating as long as he knows how to put a wall up in a way that it looks like a wall (although it will blow over as soon as a gust of wind batters it) and charge a stupid amount of money for his services. but see this person thinks he's so clever that he didn't need educating, doesen't even realise that the £5 an hour he's being paid to put another brick into the poorly built wall is actually below the minimum wage while i'm sitting in one of my many offices around the world or sitting in the south stand upper as chairman of Oxford United we'll see who's laughing then, me looking at you in the cheap seats of the south stand lower or you looking at me downing champagne with my butler and public announcer being addressed as Sir Jordan Sanders. so if we want to put an end to this sort of person stealing oppurtunities we need to enforce discipline otherwise my countries defences shall collapse as soon as the winter winds pick up because they were built by a uneducated ignorant arrogant ruffianish peasant who can't even put another brick in the wall. so Pink Floyd i think i've just proved you wrong!                  

'it must be love' well it's not till i JPJ Sanders announce it!

many people often say to me Jordan you were born in the wrong generation, i agree. i dearly wish i was a 70's child. i try to imagine what it would be like to be a teenager in the 80's i think it would be brilliant! I'd be watching Robert Millar (now Phillipa York) battle it out with the Spanish in the mountains; it wouldn't be weird to listen to A-ha, OMD, Madness or any of the bands that in my opinion would destroy the punks of today! i would be able to do miles and miles on my bike without seeing a car. lawn bowls was regularly on TV and my mighty youthful yellows would be beating the best teams in England winning the milk cup and causing upsets in the old first division. yet i don't think of myself as old fashioned i am a very open minded person which is why i thought i would write about a subject that i have no clue about which is why I'm trying to learn about it in case it comes down to me to keep the Sanders name alive and supply the world with permanent arrogance, ignorance and all the other great qualities i possess. at my spectacular state school that goes by the name of Larkmead we have a lesson on a Wednesday afternoon known as PDC (personal development curriculum) today's topic was sexuality again due to my ignorance and lack of social interaction for 13 of my 16 years i again have no clue about the subject apart from what I've overheard while gossiping with my associates and peers (people like me don't really have friends) however this does sometimes land me in trouble till the point that peers threaten my fertility! so we are discussing sexuality and someone asked me about mine the answer to this is that i'm not really sure as there is really only one person in life i find attractive and doesen't repulse me in the slightest. ME. people say to me that life doesen't revolve around me but in theory my life does revolve around me, myself and I. for some reason because i am the only person i care about this makes me selfish however these people are wrong as usual for a selfish person is someone who is devoted to  or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others. this is not true in my case as i am devoted to telling people about why me theories about life are the best and why my instincts are to be trusted (after all i do have the perfect male brain) it is because of this that i think people need to pay more attention to me when it comes to love, romance or sexuality as i don't know anything about it i have researched it in great detail so i can participate in the conversations my peers and associates have in an intellectual way. so now to fight the war on love! possums (becuase one doesen't enjoy using 'people') please open your eyes look at your companion if you have met them (because maybe they live far away like Eastbourne for example) are they attractive, do you share a common interest with them (like the same tv shows), do you think about them before you go to bed and the first thing you think about in the morning like my associate zoe does about her companion. or was it the influence of modern pop groups singing songs about what a males didgeridoo does before engaging in rumpy bumpy. or maybe 25 years on from the great mid 80's when madness released a song 'it must be love' which the copyright has now run out on enabling them to make an advert therefore people listen to the lyrics and it makes them ponder maybe i should give that guy/girl a chance who knows it might be love. and i must emphasise the might because in my omnipotent opinion people too often don't even like the person they are going into a relationship with but there has been  no flirting before hand none of the girl playing hard to get, the boy going down the gym working on their marvellous muscles in order to make the boys jealous a girl goes up to a guy she's a bit desperate and panicking because she realises all her other friends are 'getting on it and ting' (don't know what that means but it's in the urban dictionary) so therefore a guy who she knows well went to primary school with them, suddenly they become suitable candidates. skip ahead 2 weeks no relationship status changed on facebook no retweets on twitter see them hug once, next day relationship over! in my omnibenevolent opinion this is just a waste of potential as i believe that being single while all your friends are companionated shows a real strength in character which appeals to me and most other members of the marvellous male race. in addition that she is waiting for a handsome, gorgeous in all areas man to whisk her off her feet supplying her with all of her desires. now like i said i'm no expert but i all believe it's in the eyes love my friend the fabulous miss Jones her male companion is Mexican and when they talk about the other half of the companionship there voice springs up an octave their eyes light up and their heart rate shoots past their anaerobic threshold! so possums unless you are like that ignore all songs about love you hear, be patient there just has to be someone that fits your criteria (people keep telling me that and i'm starting to believe them), don't allow your lambrini fuelled self to control your rador/criteria and generally stop putting your longing for a male to take you to a land where you live happily ever after off the social networks! so unless i see it in your eyes and tell your companionship that it is love. IT'S NOT LOVE! SO IGNORE SONGS LIKE THIS ONE!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmezIIrFQmY     

THE AUSTRALIAN OBSESSED QUARTER SCOTTISH PERSON WHO WHO'S FATHER WAS BORN IN GERMANY WHO DOES NOTHING BUT PLAY BOWLS AND ANNOY PEOPLE AN AWFUL AMOUNT!

The title of the first post on my first ever blog on the first of november 2011 symbolises a day of firsts i suppose. today i managed to get over my fear of social contact in the forms of a hug by being hugged by fellow school associates in order to put an end to my mistreatment; see i do not go to an ordinary school for i am not an ordinary person. this is partly due to my genetics as the Sanders family are different to most others we do not think in the normal way as we have what is known to be by scientists 'the perfect male brains' we suffer from aspergers a form of autism which effects our social skills. i am a mild sufferer from it but the thing that has changed me the most from a miserable old fashioned git who wouldn't speak to anyone and would never ever in a million years dream of writing a blog is my love of lawn bowls. i have played many sports during my 16 years but the one i have got most satisfaction from is lawn bowls: some say i'm addicted, some say that's where i belong, but i believe it is neither i think of it as a cure it is compulsory to socialise and talk to people otherwise you will not get any enjoyment from it which will prevent you from bowling well. also it works as a stress realease as there is nothing more relaxing then seeing your bowl (or massive pomegranites as my mature team mates call them) right next to the jack. I was born in Aylesbury in a hospital famous for creating the paralympics, i lived there till i was 2 years old, before being whisked to the south coast to a place famous for lawn bowls, Worthing again i lived there for 2 years before moving to Southam in Warwickshire which is just down the road from Leamington again famous for lawn bowls i lived in southam for 5 years surviving my first years of primary school. i don't remember a lot about primary school but what i do know is that i was lonely, unsociable, above my peers intellectually and last but not least i hated the fact that i changed teachers every year. i had to adjust to a new classroom new teaching methods different size chairs a new group of people bullying me for my well covered abdominal region (i was a little bit overweight kind of) putting my bag in a new place all the things aspergic people hate. but one thing never changed and that was my undying love for formula 1. i've always thought of f1 as a third parent although now i kind of call it my substitute for not having a female companion but formula 1 will always come first i haven't missed a race in 16 years! it wasn't till i got the oppurtunity to spend a week at the williams f1 factory in Grove through beating 270 people for a weeks work experience that i discovered people that shared the same passion for something i had. after 5 unpleasently supposedly happy years and another sibling being born (my brother Fraser) to go along with my sister Erin (who was born in Worthing) we travelled to a new continent a new hemisphere a new country a new house, new people. An Aspergics worst nightmare!. we moved to Australia the land of the green and gold a place where we left England as a family of 5 and returned a family of 4 thanks to my fathers alternative housing arrangements and fake work trips and holidays to someone elses bedroom. i loved everything else about Australia we nearly had it all and i was being poached as a potential international swimmer aged 10 but due to my aspergers again i failed to realise it and it was an oppurtunity gone for ever. i returned to Abingdon to the place i currently am writing this blog when i should be in bed. however you the readers of this blog are the ones that in my opinion matter most as you are the people i will moan too the people i will look for to support my desires to one day run this overcrowded strange smelling unmotivated underachieving country! for i am JPJ Sanders and i pledge a war on everything that stands in my way or generally irritates or repulses me (so people generally). there will be no surrender on my behalf till there are no longer teenage pregnancies, no longer will there be a tory lib dem coalition, no longer will bowls be a sport for old people and no longer will the fat man be sterotyped as a useless sportsman!