Saturday was probably the most prestigious day in my entire 16 years and 52 days. i was aged 16 years and 50 days. the time was 7 o'clock time to put the plan that had taken 10 minutes over the course of the week to make into action. plan was simple, party would start miss Jones would lay off alcohol text me what was going on i would arrive when the party was quiet so i could sneak in un noticed. however that didn't work! so here is what happened at Miss Turner's party, my first party (since her twins Jason's 12th birthday party when we went bowling and had pizza which i didn't enjoy because i had a swollen lip from rugby) for 1455 days. the time was coming up to 7 o'clock i had kept in contact with miss Jones throughout the day, i texted her after bowls, i texted her while i was out doing a 45 mile loop riding my bike shouting my new slogan 'be safe be seen look arrogant wear lycra' at anyone unfortunate enough to be around wooton between 11.15 and 1.30. i was so certain that the plan would work i broke tradition, stopping mid flow of the rubba hubba dabba drying shake to answer on of her texts. i texted her just before 7 to see if she was in the party, no reply. i assumed she was and carried on doing DIY with my brother which generally consists of a massive argument, which results in me eating a kit kat while my brother builds the furniture. 7.30 still no reply.CRAP plan falling to pieces, scroll through phone book looking for numbers of people who are at the party Master Hopkins i'll text him. so i text him:
Me: remind zoe to text me at some point pleaseMaster Hopkins: i'll text you instead
Me: okay give me a 2 minute warning
Me: do you guys need anything
2 phone calls later i am on my way at 8 0'clock exactly a bottle of fanta and a cup under my chin i waddle from Peachcroft road to Brode Close, turning left into brode close i am greeted by mr downes and Master Hopkins who have managed to lock themselves out of the party making it the 3 of us outside miss Turners door trying to grab the attention of someone through the window to let us in. we grab the attention of master Kerry. who opens the door however this isn't without incident as me and Mr Downes get stuck in the door trying to go through it at the same time, pushing against each other we get in, hopping over the shoes i have achieved my goal i am in the party. i put my fanta down pour myself a cup take a sip before it is filled with Fosters (great Australian beer apparently) Budweiser (whatever that is) and Vodka (i know what that is and it didn't really contribute a lot) as is the entire bottle. i sit down and mingle before learning i am the sole sober beautiful being. i end up back at my house sooner than expected with a badly bleeding Mr Wellstead thanks to Miss Palmer (Mrs Downes) who once recieving Sanders medical care was back of to the party with me in no time. so i start partying again, i have a picnic with Miss Shipway and start drinking cordial because my fanta doesen't taste very nice although this is disrupted by everyone being intoxicated, crying, vomiting, being aggressive as i try to give them water, while these people are vomiting the son of my schools head teacher Master Harris decides he needs the toilet gets his didgeridoo and lets fly unable to do anything but laugh as my life becomes a carry on film. once these people have emptied their stomachs of whatever was in there some people fall asleep now the fun begins, as will be shown in a photo. as the party wears on i rename the Turners garden to the JJ hospital as i look after 4 people who have had too many for their little bodies therefore resort to being in a state familiar to a koala that's been knocked out a tree by my fathers bowling. the party continues i let in more guests because i'm JPJ Sanders and i'm like that, one of the patients of my hospital and their future husband had both fallen asleep so i manipulate them slightly, jump over the billabong of vomit into a plant do the pose of power with my thumbs pointing up towards the sky. it looked a little like this
it was bed time for some at this stage, not just for these two above but the two sitting on white plastic chairs with their heads between their legs, who i had to carry inside who today were gloating about the fact that they woke up next to someone as i feel it is wrong for me to pledge a war today due to the fact that i wasn't invited as well as inviting other people who may have violated the kitchen with Miss Jones. in addition i feel i have a duty to compliment the people who were invited as you did behave better than i was expecting apart from the crying, vomiting, whining, undoing my shirt buttons, spiking my fanta, drinking out of my cup, hurling abuse at me, cuddling me and attempting to kiss me. although i can't complain it was my first party for 1455 days so i'm still getting used to mass social interaction outside school premisis. like all great things that involve me i give awards to those that i think deserve them. for letting me stay and being a great host i award Miss Turner award for hosting parties. second award for damage limitation goes to Mr Hopkins for getting me into the party. Mr downes for being quite humourous and being a gentleman around his future wife. fourth award for most miraculous recovery goes to Mr Saulter as he went from floor to being shouted at by me to get into the box in 12 hours. award for upsetting the most people goes to Mr Wallsworth because for once i don't recieve that award he made a great effort and managed to upset 2 people compared to my 1. award for best dressed i would give to myself but i feel it's only fair that i give it to a girl so as an apology for saturday Miss Greenway that prize is yours. the penultimate award for arriving in style to the biggest cheer has to go to me because it does. award for best drunken incident has to go to Mr Fiddaman for having to hacksaw a ring of his finger. one more because i'm the host award for most humourous drunk Miss Palmer till you passed out, i was laughing internally forever at the way you were unable to control your vocal vibrations beyond sounding like a chucklebrother. now for the thankyous. i thank Mr Hopkins and Mr Downes for letting me in and correcting the plan. Miss Turner for my breakfast the following morning which i accidentally left with. my mother for believing me about it being Marcus's surprise birthday party. so in comparison i think Miss Turners house party was a success as well as being better than that disco Miss View went to. although possums be on guard because tomorrow normal service resumes. the JPJ SANDERS WAR ON EVERYTHING CONTINUES!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment