'have a cigar your gonna go far' sang Pink Floyd, JPJ Sanders replied with 'no you won't you'll end up slapped with a wet fish if i catch you'

the day i JPJ Sanders was born the 30th September 1995, was a momentous day for my father PJ Sanders (he too uses his initials) like all momentous occasions there is only one way to celebrate and that for him was with a cigar. my father went to Abingdon boys, he like me was part of a very special year group. he was radioheads first fan considering he cycled to school with 3 of them and another was his best friend. another of his friends has starred in films such as Pirates of the Caribbean. while my father was in 6th form he took up that pathetic past time of smoking but as he was at a prestigious school through a scholarship which i was not offered (although i was living in a house with a tennis court, swimming pool and a golf course outside the front door in Australia at the time) as a result my father didn't smoke those pathetic roll ups which stink the fibres of my bowls blazer leaving me with a dry cleaning bill of about the same price as the blazer in the first place, thankyou Mr Dillon for that. smoking has been part of culture for centuries in australia they would smoke dried horse excrement, on this interesting island called the United Kingdom we've been fans of the pipe, the cigar and the most popular the cigarette. i have always said that i would only smoke as a sign of my wealth but even then i would only pretend so that i could discuss business away from my unfortunate wife with my cigar smoking business associates as well as my future lawyer Lord Allen and first mayor Andrews of Berinsfield. as someone who encounters all sorts of people from the powerful wealthy elderly to the gypse blooded peasantish ruffians i go to school with i have learnt that some change (as you all know i would rather have one of my cervelo's spokes broken than for something to change)is good. during the second world war you would get the same amount of tobacco as you would food rations, now the forces are sent to oil rich nations with tanks that were probably used in the second world war due to labour being a load of numpties that are pandas in human costumes (yes Mr Miliband i do mean you and my buddy Boris agreed with me on twitter today) who are unable to realise that money comes from trees and doesen't grow on them in Iraq. smoking is too popular and gives an image which supposedly makes you look hip or cool, down wit ze kids, street or as Mr Costello would say safffeezzz. it is due to this that i've had enough of this poncy past time, therefore i do what i do everyday i have internet and declare a war on smoking. watch out you might just feel the wrath of cold water slapping you in the face.

the only thing in my opinion labour ever did right was the legislation to stop people smoking in pubs and in public places as well as the banning of tobacco advertising in 1997 which was partially due to my ex friend (i will get you back for taking my formula 1 away from me)mr Ecclestone. my favourite formula 1 team Williams was for many years Williams Rothmans and the formula 1 team i'm named after Jordan was Jordan B&H for a while (B&H also happens to be my fathers favourite brand of cigarettes) but heres the problem i have is that smoking is the definition of pointless. it destroys their health, destroys the health of those around them (my father smoked outside so mine wasn't affected), expensive, awkward when you ask someone wearing a dressing gown for a lighter and he pulls out a toy gun and a straw (yes i did do that at miss Absoloms party), affects your employability, time consuming, teeth staining, fingernail destroying (my nerves already do a good job of that), artificially econimically aiding, pointless, for the orange gnomes of the world with the intelligence of a sheep who like sheep can only follow and never persever, relationship destroying, a strain on the resources of the National Health Service, morally misleading and worst of all the stench engulfs the surrounding area making your horrible hobby the business of those who do not want to be associated. i find it hard to comprehend what enjoyment you get out of it, at least chewing gum leaves you with a fresh minty taste in your mouth. as a result troops lets pay a visit to a local hardware store buy loads of buckets fill them with liquid and lets fight these negative influences on society.

to win this war we need someone with power and someone who is hungry for power and the success of the nation; as we are currently under the management of the terrific tory government this is achievable. you don't see my mate Dave or my best buddy Boris rolling up a fag to prevent their boredom at a party in this era do you. smoking is an outdated past time such as hitting children with sticks for getting in your way (something i actually don't do) no one likes a cigarette smoker anymore you are in my opinion on the same level as gypsies therefore you are not going to go far you'll end up in a feaces ridden farm in essex, as smoking is a expensive habit you will not be able to afford the plane ticket to fly high. and unfortunately you will die a lot sooner than those who don't squandering potential benefit to the economy and losing out on spending time with your inflatable family. you will make it to 80 if you really try to give up especially if you start playing bowls 'no smoking on the green it burns it' shouts Mr B Turner. your family may love you but no one else will as you defecit their health through your selfish habit. you may have the deepest respect from other stupid smokers but you sincerely lack the respect from me. so rather than look like a numpty with a cigarette behind your ear, barely able to breathe after running for 200 metres and squandering the health of those around you, get a glorious grip of your sanitory senses tell your smoking friends why they are stupid before i do armed with a wet fish that will strike you accross your frail face causing you to wheeze from the tar build up in your lungs, the shock will emphasise the cholesteral in your artery possibly prompting a heart attack; don't think i'm joking i'm a vegetarian who doesen't like fish so during my reign there will be a awful lot of spare fish with your 'brand/label' on it. so troops dip your hands into the nearest fish ponds rivers lakes and reservoirs (leave the cod as their now protected) and slap the stupid smokers: slap the pipe, cigar, roll up cigarette out of their mouths leaving them thinking there is something fishy about smoking cigarettes together we can defy the stereotype of this nation suffering poor health. we will make this nation and the world great and smoke free once again! the only thing is, is that they might get addicted to chewing gum, although that would give me another war to pledge! let this war begin today, there is more of us non smokers than smokers i can hear the shaking of cigarette boxes as they nervously drag themselves another 15 minutes closer to death.