'I shoulda learned the guitar, i shoulda learned to play them drums' sang Dire Straits, JPJ Sanders replied with 'i'll pass on the guitar but give me the drums!'

today tutor time was a bit different to normal, it involved first of Dr Reverend Palmer emerging from the music block on the way to tutor with his guitar and a adapted hat similar to one i was made to wear during my days at Seabrook state when i was an inhabitant of that extreme environment called Australia. like Dr Rev Palmer my brother also has a guitar although i've adopted it even though my sister was so annoyed by my constant playing of Darth vader's theme music from Star Wars that i either stopped playing or she would assault me with it before chucking it out of our second home onto the road below in front of the dustbin men followed by myself. unfazed by the threat i continued to play only this time i made an effort to learn a song and sing along at the same time, this didn't end well as the result was a sore arm for me, a sore head for my sister when the guitar bounced of my forearm directly into her face but worse of all emotional pain for both me and my brother when my sister hid the guitar in her bedroom which is like a Mexican industrialised area which requires a lot of precipitation in order to clean the streets to prevent Mexicans over-abstracting water (despite my political interruptions i do work hard in Geography Mr Speke) this has caused the problem that my guitar playing days may well be over, therefore i am left to playing the drums which i play amazingly quietly (silently) every evening once i put the musical wonders that are pink floyd on. using pencils and pens as sticks i hit the snare, whack the cymbals, bellow the bass drum in time with Nick Mason. unfortunately though this does not improve in any way the lack of musical talent i possess, or provide me with an outlet to express myself in a way that does not offend people in any possible way which is the brilliant thing about music. as a result i declare war against people who are unable to respect other peoples musical talents.

i have never been musically talented as is shown by the genuine fact that i was banned from recorder club aged 6 for being so bad at it. as today is different rather than list 20 insults, i will list 20 complementary insults to describe these supposedly talented, potentially innovative, marvelously modest when showing off talents, who look like their about to pass out after over exerting themselves playing a long note on the trumpet, play in awe of great Oxfordshire bands such as my fathers commuting associates Radiohead, create entertainment that makes whole school assemblies bearable, provide an example of what could happen if time and effort were put into creating a band that played songs that exploit their talents rather then having clarinet solos from Lord Allen that nobody can hear as they are drowned out by the person playing the drums, attempt to achieve greatness parallel to Pink Floyd, suffer from a lack of talent rather than a lack of ambition, has potential however lacks commitment from certain parties, provides people with the desire to play a instrument just so they can sit on a bench rather than the floor kneeing the person in front of them to avoid the knees of the person behind them, suffer ridicule from the ruffians who wished they could be talented at anything other than screwing up every opportunity their education has provided them with as well as expressing what makes a community brilliant letting people have a go at something they enjoy which is something i proudly commend music for it's ability to no matter how good or rubbish you are you can proudly say you performed. therefore people who cannot respect other peoples musical performances in my opinion should be burnt at the stake publically while we play music around them; but as my mate David said that his government would not allow me to torture people, i will just have to 'get up and do' as my step great grandmother Lady Thatcher would say as a result i'm now writing standing up because this war needs to be lead from the front so i have appointed 3 men to do this. myself, Sergeant Clarkson and Sergeant Keelan together we will conquer them gaining the respect of the ruffian that ridicules them. inspiring more people to entertain assemblies with their marvelous musical talents.

to win this war we need a triple pincer movement which is why i have chosen three leaders who have similar qualities but are also very different. Sergeant Keelan can attack the ruffians with fireworks and handmade grenades while standing on tall objects boring those less interested in chemistry causing them to vulnerable to an attack. Sergeant Clarkson on the other hand can attack the ruffians with vehicles with water cannons on the front while playing recordings of Margaret Thatcher through a boom box inspiring them to change their ways gaining respect for their peers pulling them and their communities together to make the nation brilliant once again. while i am possibly the weak link in this pincer movement due to my ignorance to peoples actions although i'll just bowl my omnipotent orange lawn bowls at peoples ankles while bellowing speeches full of inspiration and motivation with pink floyd as assistants to express what is achievable through music the pincer movement will be a success as they look at the yo-yo's as that's the way i plan to do it once i've shattered their ankles. having David Gilmour play the guitar on MTV to aid my campaign, as for me that's not work that's just the way that i do it. as i hope to earn my money for nothing and like Mr Burlesconi get my chicks for free (but i've got my angels who are better anyhow). let me tell you this people who play music are not 'dumb' they certainly have some creativity between their ears. yes fighting this war you may get a blister on your little finger possibly even your thumb. 'we gotta install those microwave ovens' shall no longer be used as an excuse for not showing off to the world your musical talent: just because your father offers custom kitchen deliveries doesn't mean you have to put your dreams of musical success to one side. moving refrigerators will be your alternative to going to the gym not your occupation. you'll be moving those coloured tv's so you can watch your performances in a quieter place away from the noise of civilisation. for you see possums there is no reason why success cannot be achieved through music, however what you do require is the belief in you that your performances are of a high quality something that is provided through the support of people who are at the opposite side of the social spectrum to future wastes to humanity that spend our money on alcohol and unhealthy food. together we will motivate, together we will inspire, together we will enjoy unlikely assembly stars.