'oh lovestruck, i've fallen for a lamppost' sang Madness, JPJ Sanders replied with 'well that's one way to describe his intelligence'

this week so far has been quite a difficult one for the one and only JPJ Sanders, i've had many personal attacks regarding my middle/upper class status in society. there's also been a death in my step great grandmothers family which has caused the elder generations of my family to feel a bit down, also i seem to irritate nearly everyone i speak to without even intending to (which apparently is a bad thing) and worst of all i believe (although it could be a joke, i don't know as i was born without a sense of humor' that one of my angels was deprived of bachelorretery (another word to go into the dictionary Mr Gable) by a crisp chucking, hair harassing, banana bending ruffian that fails to achieve even the slightest of pleasant political conversation with me. although i suppose the commute home with Lord Allen, Dr Reverend Palmer and future Mrs Palmer which was impacted worse by miss double c and her latest boyfriend that looks almost exactly the same apart from being a foot taller. so the week isn't going well so far however there is one positive thing that has happened this week, i no longer need to spend a pound on one of my angels and her companion (who were married on facebook but divorced, mutually deciding to end their terms as bachelor and bachelorrete) to go on a honeymoon somewhere nice which from the perspective of the male in question would be to WHSmiths so he can purchase a bag of haribo which half of which would be thrown at groups of people in the playground and get stuck in my competitive curls, with the other half consumed in 2 mouthfuls by this monkey impersonator. something has changed recently in the world, according to miss Jones it's me becoming human (whatever that means my upper lip is fixed in place therefore no emotion can ever be shown) or in my opinion the change in attitudes shown towards one another as people struggle to adapt to labour no longer wiping their bottoms and they have to make their own success rather than have it given to them as proved by the class argument during chemistry. however i want to look at things from a male perspective tonight, i look at samples within society i see princes with their big biceps, their terrific thighs, their competitive curls swishing from side to side, writing blogs in their spare time while organising balls and leading by a conservative example. meanwhile a possible princess is wasting their time trying to turn the ruffian with a metabolism into a prince. as a result of this i declare war on the slipping of female standards when choosing their princes that will transform them into their perfect princesses.

i feel the dilemma i'm experiencing is as a result of something my mother said to me on the way home from watching the best film i've ever seen the 'iron lady' my mother said to me 'JPJ please get a girlfriend i'm fed up of having to watch films about formula 1 and the conservative party' since then the search has been on for someone who can suffice my needs for a female companion they only need to be able to: wash my bowls kit, keep my lycra soft and comfortable, cook vegetarian food properly, tell me i look powerful, tell me which clothes would suit me and are the right texture for my delicate skin, share my love of lawnbowls, cycling and the conservative party, be accepting that i am my mothers first born therefore have the burden of returning her to the retirement home once i've found suitable clothing for her, adore me for being an eccentric, be good at apologising for my verbal misdemeanors, accept that even though i may have been proved incorrect, i was in fact correct just in a different context and most importantly love me almost as much as my mother for being the eccentric, crazy, obnoxious, handsome, powerful and wonderful blessing to humanity that i am. it's like Mr Fiddaman told me the other day 'one day there will be someone that will love you and i feel so sorry for that woman/man' unnecessary as i am actually heterosexual. to win this war against the lack of appreciation shown towards gentlemen from fabulous females such as my angels. we require us marvelous males to unite to prove that this plan is most definitely fool proof. therefore eliminating the chances of the ruffian with the metabolism increasing the esteem of females everywhere.

i think to express our qualities we need to compete man against man, gentleman vs ruffian. the competition shall consist of 11 rounds: women rights, cricket, soccer, rugby, crisp chucking, litter dropping, politics, greatest insults of the 20th century, internet rumpy bumpy and lawn bowls with a dance off if there is a tie after 11 rounds. to make this competition fair women will host it, write the questions and judge our performances. as a result of these challenges nerds shall not live with their mothers till they are 40 but have provide me with beautiful, intelligent godchildren perfect for my armies. because what fun is it for a fabulous female to be supporting a ruffian that is staggering home with the headlights of a police car throwing a shadow up and upon their fantastic female self that has done no wrong. after all once having rumpy bumpy with them you will no longer mean anything to them. as they mumble on to their friends about the passionless, loveless night you spent together while the nightclub you were in echoes a song. the enticement of their metabolism invites those wonderful women along a path of exterior colour. but come the morning after as you are shivering and contorting due to them stealing the covers you'll say to yourself oh lovestruck i am i've fallen for a lamppost again; even after giving it my upmost to transform him from ruffian to prince i spilt out my deepest feelings. now all i want to do is snuggle up to the prince that makes me my princess such as JPJ Sanders and we can read his War on everything in the early morning dew! this is similar to what happened to my good female friend Miss Jones who attempted 4 times to turn ruffians into princes when actually her prince was 3 roads away at Fitzharry's. it's like i say to my angels 'metabolisms aren't everything a man possesses, you have to remember they have didgeridoos as well so be careful when choosing your companions!'