'I hear them saying tomorrows just another day' sang Madness, JPJ Sanders replied with 'and i say give it your best shot because it gets better everyday'

the moment i uttered the 6 words that will stay with me the rest of my life i can most certainly say was one of the best i've ever had. not only did make me and Lord Gable laugh like we were back in primary school but it also made my 6th form the most memorable Miss Dering has ever had the pleasure of being in. it is quite apparent that I am not just one in a million but one in 7 billion there has never been someone quite as unique as me before and there never will be (apart from my only son Bruce JPJ Sanders The One and Only apart from his father Sir Lord JPJ Sanders) this same philosophy applies to us all. will there ever be someone so protective of their chickens again like Mr Greenwood, someone as nervous about public speaking as Lord Gable. someone so absent minded when it comes to gossip as Lord Allen, or someone as insecure as Mr Leaver. No there definitely won't that's why when the great influential man of the 1st Century Brian stood naked on his balcony after having rumpy bumpy with a women and preached to his followers (not twitter followers) 'You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!' this is a phrase that applies to peoples behavior around exam time. being the charismatic conservative that i am i often have my own set of liberal democrat followers asking what sort of revision i'm doing, like my mate Dave i too have called them all Nick, you have Nickolas Wilkinson, Nickolas Meredith, Nickolas Patel, Nickolas Jones, Nickolas Absolom and lots of other people who's actual first names aren't Nick. you see the thing is, is that when your revising at school it is important to do exactly the same things that you would do at home, for example i took my shoes off and listened to pink floyd through my big 1990's headphones because being aspergic and having the perfect male brain i have to feel comfortable in order to revise at my best. so anyway these are my tips on how to revise at school during the first week of what i call 'the 5 days to intellectually conquer the immediate world'.

1. use the same paper that you would revise on at home. i have 'The Pad of Logic by JPJ Sanders the commencing of the journey' which will be available for purchase June 28th 2012. 2. ignore everyone around you, i aid this process by sending an email to my peers stating that when you can't hear me offending/insulting/being truthful/stating my opinions do not disturb me. 3. hum to the music you are listening to, that way you ruin everyone else's revision lowering their grades but improving yours if like me you can multi task better than most women (especially as i am currently singing to queen and typing at the same time whilst fighting the urge to stop my grandmothers snoring by using a pillow as a sedative) 4. write 'I am the best' at the top of every page you use intimidating those around you as they are aware that you have a high degree of confidence in your ability as an intellectual individual. 5. use an orange felt tip pen, or the foundation from a female year 11's cheeks to revise with as it's a great colour and looks really vibrant against beige paper and gorgeous green bowling greens. 6. check social networking sites every 20 minutes that way you maintain a social life as well as becoming one of the great marvellous minds of the 21st century 7. listen to one vision by queen this will help you define your goals so at the end of the '10 days to intellectually interest the world of teaching with our many mighty wonderful words emblazoned elegantly across perfectly folded pages. 8. remember it's not about hitting your Family Fisher Trust predicted grade it's about showing the world how brilliant you are destroying your peers making them look inferior to you. 9. don't kill the Northerner that keeps sniffing and distracting you from your science coursework it creates health and safety issues for the years below. 10. if you say your the BEST, you believe you are the BEST, you will do the BEST revision, you will give the exam your BEST shot, causing you to achieve the BEST grade in the year. follow my tips and interpreting those your teachers give you as alternatives to mine and you will revise knowing that you tried hard, you'll think you did your best, a feeling you'll have again and again throughout your life after all who needs rest, my mother once said closing my door that i can't carry on no more but i proved her wrong, all you'll hear me saying is that tomorrows just another day with a few added extras thrown in to keep the routine interesting and test your ability to adapt to the challenging change, because as you hear me say life can only get better everyday because at the end of the day tomorrows just another day. just another day when you will fill your brain with the required knowledge reading the JPJ Sanders War On Everything to gather the inspiration and motivation you require. you've listened long to your teachers be confident that you've taken it in, once you've taken in these facts go for a swim. is it down, down, down or up, up, up only you can decide but by reading this you're definitely up, up, up. you want need that moment to reflect on the friendships you've wrecked because your all in this together. Exams are wars between you and the exam. the winner of the war is the one who avoids being shredded in early September, and we all know who that is going to be! YOU!

'9 to 5 what a way to make a living' said the poundland workers who definitely did not revise 7 to 9'

recently i have been feeling a bit down, which for someone who has the surname Sanders is quite unusual. i realised that there was something missing from my lovely life, was it a female companion? No, was it a new ambition? No, i've started writing another book. was it a full length mirror in the bedroom of my second home? yes, so i purchased one from ikea and now i can look at my beautiful body last thing at night and first thing in the morning without being of inconvenience to the rest of my family members. although this only satisfied my longing for completion for 5 days, so i compared myself with my peers coming to the conclusion that i needed to be more diverse with my xbox playing. like i mentioned before i'm one of the biggest formula 1 fans in the world so i mostly play on f1 2011 to the point that i was the best in the world for about an hour in October. so i started playing the only football (soccer) game i possess. Pro Evolution Soccer 2009, i thought that if i played an hour everyday i would improve. after losing 2-0 to Peru on beginner whilst playing as Australia: i realised one thing, what an absolute waste of time i would rather play proper football when i run around like a kangaroo on fire occasionally tackling (running into them whilst attempting to get their legs) someone. dwelling on my thoughts i wondered what people could be doing instead of playing that ridiculously difficult game and in the end the wise head on my young succulent shoulders thought of REVISION. REVISION is quite relevant at the moment for the year 10's who are all looking a bit worried about it, so as i realised this morning that giving advice would suffice my longing for completion and the terrific year 10's were looking worried, i thought I would give my advice on revision.

all of you year 10's would have received a booklet about how to revise. Ignore it! revision is a personal thing, it's like musical taste i like Pink Floyd and revise by writing notes out in my own words in my trusty ball point while other people listen to popular music and do mind maps. for those of you who do business studies, it goes A,B,A,A,C,D,mindmap,10000, 800, B, A,D,D and make sure you take no notice of Fezza's exam technique talk apart from reading all the questions before starting. for those of you doing sports studies remember to read the revision material and think of the sports you've played. feel free to touch yourself because i found that worked for identifying the muscle that pulls my leg up during a pedal stroke. also check the back page there's a 6 mark question on the back about health, don't do what nearly the entire of my year did and think you weren't supposed to answer it. so now i will give you my top 10 revision/exam tips. 1. write a blog about things that annoy you in a controversial conservative manner 2. listen to music through headphones, or wear headphones without music playing through as it will help create this world where you are intellectually superior to everyone else on the planet. 3. eat biscuits, drink milk 4. grow your hair so that you look like a caveman 5. go completely mad so that remembering your own name is an effort 6. YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON EVER TO SIT THAT EXAM 7. March into the exam with your chest puffed out breathing through your nose looking perfectly powerful 8. designate an exam pen and use it throughout every exam you do 9. warm up and stretch, you don't want to pull a muscle during the exam (i pulled a neck muscle during my geography exam) and participate in any physical activity provided. 10. Motivate yourself be arrogant. YOU ARE THE BEST! have confidence in your ability (or photographic memory in my case) if you lack motivation to be brilliant come and speak to JPJ i can be compassionate and helpful because i've done it all before.

if you follow those tips you are on the right track to almost being as good as me and may earn enough money to have a nice yellow bike with electronic gearing and a bottle holder that's one size fits no bottles in at all. so come the two weeks when you have your mock exams you'll tumble out of your single bed, stumble into the kitchen (if your weird and don't go to the bathroom) pour yourself a cup of ambition to be the best, yawn, stretch, come to life; today is an opportunity to show the world your brilliance. jump into the shower and the blood should start pumping round, as you try and recall the topics you revised the night before. out on the streets the traffic starts jumping and you just breeze along on the steed you call a bicycle, this is when the exam out of body experience starts as you suddenly lose all concept of time and drift through the day present in body, absent in mind as teachers become fishlike with their mouths moving up and down with no logical sound coming out. and folks that didn't revise from 7pm to 9pm go to work from 9AM to 5PM. because working 9 to 5 is some way to make a living supposedly barely getting by as due to the conservative government there is more taking than giving, after all conservatives only want your mind, and for some reason people think they deserve credit for it. apparently it's enough to drive Dolly Parton crazy. you see possums working 9AM to 5PM isn't the lifestyle that I, the Government, your parents have planned, however the alternative lifestyle of working in a nice office with people of similar intellectual capabilities doing a job you've always dreamed of making a distinct contribution to society that my mates Dave and Boris will certainly give you credit for. work hard and you'll achieve your dreams, play on PES 09 and you will forever be a loser working 9 to 5 because you spent your valuable time being good at someting virtual rather than revising in reality. it's like i say 'to be JPJ Sanders who is the best, you have to act like JPJ Sanders and be the best' and JPJ Sanders works hard, plays bowls on a thursday night harder!

'time after time, if you fall i will catch you - i will be waiting' sang Cydni Lauper, JPJ Sanders replied with 'must be related to Ricky Ponting then'

geography is rather pleasant at the moment due to a couple of cricket related reasons. 1. Australia are winning, 2. England are losing the combination of these two things result in this i'm not abused by my peers or by Mr Speke. as you are all aware through my father i qualify as an Australian citizen through his permanent residency never one to follow the crowd i've used this as an opportunity to move to the darkside that are more successful when it comes to sport. however i am not here to declare war against geography, cricket or Australia; i am here to declare war against those that do not maximise the time available to them, it's like i say 'it takes a second to achieve awesomeness and ten tenths of a second to fulfill failure' the late Freddie Mercury sang that 'time waits for nobody' and Freddie Mercury was a true lover of life, the JPJ Sanders of his generation to the point that Brian May wrote on his gravestone 'lover of life, singer of songs' i often wonder what Freddie Mercury would be doing now if he was still alive, although unfortunately his time has come and gone. therefore i declare war against people who suffer time negligence!

the problem i have is that to suffer from time negligence you are showing that you are complacent, lazy, disorganised, unambitious, capable of a greater contribution to the big society, wasting the terrific talents that they possess, rely on other people for the most basic of things, lack independence, expect rather than desire and worst of all lack the concept of gratitude. because when i'm lying in bed hearing the clock go tick tock i do not wait for someone to wake me up i get up and write a list of things i want to achieve during the day or a poem/quote occasionally i do think of you waiting for the world to provide you with opportunities for greatness but you get caught in circles of confusion as you do not understand how it's happened, meanwhile i get satisfaction from the flashbacks of warm nights creating my opportunities for greatness which are almost left behind as i commence the next project my next satisfying of needs for greatness. my evidence of those periods of greatness from making the most of the time available placed perfectly in the suitcase of memories. for you should never get lost but if you do you can look and you will find me time after time looking for methods of improvement. if you do fall i do promise to catch you i'll be waiting while inspiring the next generations of JPJ Sanders to make the most of their lives time after time. because if you fall behind unfortunately the second hand will never unwind. sometimes i may picture you use you as an example in my speeches in the house of commons of where some generations went wrong why some are walking too far ahead to far away to hear the failing generations calling for help telling us to go slow but we can't the world is forever revolutionising not making the most of your time will leave you trailing in the slip stream of our flying cars and hover boards. Freddie made the most of every minute he had working through pain, singing songs, loving life the way he always had he worked for his success; enjoying the satisfaction immensely therefore it is our duty to make up for the time Freddie could not spend living by making the most of every hundredth, every tenth, every second, every minute, every hour and everyday. we have the ability to make the world a brilliant place: a place Freddie would be proud of. so lets stand up become more than just a figure making the world a better place than it has ever been. we start today not tomorrow continuing till the day when we no longer have enough breath to perform a poem or blast a ballad that's the day when we can say. yes i gave life my best shot.

'i've wasted all my tears, wasted all those years' sang Simply Red, JPJ Sanders replied with 'there's no such thing as waste, as you should have learned from it'

being the honest, abrupt, straight talking person that i am and admit somethings to you all. i feel that i am making up for lost time when it comes to social endeavors like i mentioned in a earlier blog i had gone nearly 4 years without going to a party now I've been to two more parties each differing in terms of activities on offer i regret not being as outgoing when i started secondary school. i spent the first 2 and a half years of my secondary school experience not being myself; trying to impress people with my absent talents and even attempted a joke i think the problem was this. I cared what people thought of me although this mainly ended up with me withdrawing from social situations due to their awkwardness because i didn't know how to get within the 'circle' as a result i just cowered in the corner looking like the hunchback of notre dame according to Miss Jones. i know that i am not the only one who has been unable to allow others to embrace them for the person that they are, for example i said to Miss Absolom yesterday 'oh dear, you've embraced the madness, you are stuck in the outskirts of the tornado in the eternal revolving excitement of peasant abusing, war fighting, politically perfect, the conservative character who sees surviving till 9PM as an achievement, the lover of life, the flicking of the curls that is the allure of me.' as usual i take it upon myself to represent the masses therefore i declare war against those that won't allow themselves to be the perfect person that they are because they care what people think of them.

the Disney adaptation of the story, the hunchback of notre dame does sort of describe my time at Larkmead, it started off with me only talking and socialising with 3 gargoyles (Mr Meredith, H from Steps, cornflakes) while i would occasionally make a comment to remind people of my exsistance which Quasimodo did through ringing the bells. we both share the struggle to be accepted by society for being the people that we are; he's deformed, kind and isolated while i'm power hungry, eccentric and lonely. although Quasimodo comes good in the end when he kills his guardian Frollo, depending on whether you are part of the 60% that don't like me or the 40% that do you may also say that i came good when i developed a personality during the easter holidays when i was in year 9. since then there has been no stopping me some say i transformed into a monster, others a human being. do i care? NO why should i, i am the way i am because being myself is my greatest talent a talent everyone has: the ability to be themselves to possess a character because like Brian said 'we are all individuals' so there is no point in holding back the years trying to be something your not, dwelling on the fear you've had for so long of what people will think of you for being yourself. when somebody hears and compliments you on being you the fear will disappear like a mcdonalds in front of an american (tribute to my readers accross the pond). for holding back the years will not give you the chance to escape from all you know about what people perceived you to be. don't hold back the tears where your heart on your sleeve for your personality has never been able to grow with that stiff upper lip of yours. you have spent so long worrying about what people think of your forged personality that you have not allowed anything to be good. because how can it if no one knows who you really are; you become unpredictable as you follow no morals and people will be rather two faced about you which shouldn't matter if you don't care what people think of you. so lets throw of the mask, throw your hat into the crowd, let your hair down be the person you are enjoy yourself, express the person within, you have an opinion say it. have an emotion show it, don't shed tears shed laughter. don't be afraid of what one person thinks, in your lifetime you'll meet hundreds of people each of them will have a different opinion of you. i say to you all today be yourself, let people embrace your personality or nothing is all you will have to say.

'mother do you think she's good enough, for me?' asked Pink Floyd, JPJ Sanders replied with 'my mother would say no, however i believe your punching above your weight'

people often ask me about love and why i seem disgusted by it or the idea of rumpy bumpy my answer is always the same. i have 4 wives all orange with pink bits in the middle, all rather curvy when striding along the green carpet, shining in all their glory next to their smaller friend 'Jack' gently carressing him to tempt the other jealous males to allow their wives to have a go at seducing them taking them away from their perfect perch. sometimes they are abused by the wives of my peers leaving them battered and bruised in the ditch, miraculously climbing their way onto the bank where they return to my possession where i sooth their pain with ointment giving them a bit of a rub and a tickle with a towel before the torture begins again. that's the reason i have 4 wives so if one decides they can't take it and cracks i'll have another 3 to satisfy my needs. i've always struggled with the concept of love and intimacy which is why i use euphemisms to describe subjects that i find awkward to talk about this isn't helped by people constantly telling me 'lets face it you and rumpy bumpy it's never going to happen is it' was a recent one from Dr Robertson that quite a few people found amusing. i do often wonder what will happen to me romantically will there be a person that meets the criteria? will there be a Mrs JPJ Sanders? will we be mixed pairs partners and win the world indoor mixed pairs? these are all questions that may have to be answered with thought and saying 'i'll give it my best shot' won't be good enough. being the unique marvelous male that i am and seeing the world differently i have come to the conclusion that some us marvelous males are more like mischievous monkeys who when punching above our weight in terms of quality of female companion abuse their lapse of judgement and take advantage by not treating the fabulous female that they are as they would deserve, therefore as i am not involved in the united nations i declare war against those among us who need an education in how to satisfy a wonderful womans romantic requirements.

i think the problem males have is, is that we have an appendage between our lower body and our upper body called the didgeridoo which below it has two round squash ball things that produce testosterone which over rides the messages sent along our spinal cord to our brain and back it's people that are inept, incapable, mickey taking, monkey mimicking, romance neglecting, bottom pinching, run down the street naked holding the hand of their male best friend, idiotic, intoxicated, create a image of themselves familiar to a koala that has fallen out of its tree due to a car crashing into it and worst of all ungrateful of the opportunity they have been given to cherish a beautiful being that is nearly as great as me. these people need to stop thinking with their didgeridoos and start asking their mothers how they should be treating their gorgeous companions. ask them mother do you think they'll drop the bomb of actually enjoying your company. Mother do you think they'll like the songs that i've wrote about her inner beauty and talent? mother do you think they'll break my testicles if i do something stupid involving a woeful woman? which the answer to that will of course be yes in fact that's normally what i recommend my angels to do to the mischievous monkeys that destroy faith put in them. Mother should i build a wall? my advice would be a shrine but housing the girl of your dreams is a good idea. Mother should i run for president? not sure how that helps with romance but don't american politics is corrupt and discriminatory against athiests. Mother should i trust the government? of course it's a conservative government with the liberal democrats helping the house staff of Downing street the government is running rather efficiently. Mother will they put me in the firing mine? only if you break their heart will a female resort to that sort of punishment even if that is what you deserve. but hush now ruffian stop crying and start working, not putting into practice the advice of your mother will result in her making all your nightmares come true and putting all their fears into you. she'll keep you under her wing once every girl in the neighbourhood has realised what a monstrosity to humanity you are therefore the risk of another human being having the genetic information possessed in your sperm is too great. she won't let you fly away for the fear of you being mightily murdered by a foreign woman but she might take you out and let you sing a the karoake night at her bingo. mothers promise when you are born to check your girlfriends for you, especially anyone dirty through the doorway, she'll wait up till you get back from her house because mothers have had to endure the pain from mischievous monkeys before meeting our fantastic fathers who promised your grandmothers to keep them healthy and clean make sure your standard is living is high and that your fathers standards were high enough to allow your father to love your mother. so perhaps you should do the same ask advice from your parents ask yourself is she good enough for me? if the answer is too good then you tie a knot around your didgeridoo to stop it working causing you to appear a better human being, treating women as they deserve to be treated you are their prince that gives her the castle, she is the princess that promises to love and adore to death till you part or when you decide to ruin it by unwrapping the knot around your didgeridoo like the typical ruffian of a broken Britain. however give it your best shot and success and achievement will follow. it starts now and hopefully never finishes.

'oh lovestruck, i've fallen for a lamppost' sang Madness, JPJ Sanders replied with 'well that's one way to describe his intelligence'

this week so far has been quite a difficult one for the one and only JPJ Sanders, i've had many personal attacks regarding my middle/upper class status in society. there's also been a death in my step great grandmothers family which has caused the elder generations of my family to feel a bit down, also i seem to irritate nearly everyone i speak to without even intending to (which apparently is a bad thing) and worst of all i believe (although it could be a joke, i don't know as i was born without a sense of humor' that one of my angels was deprived of bachelorretery (another word to go into the dictionary Mr Gable) by a crisp chucking, hair harassing, banana bending ruffian that fails to achieve even the slightest of pleasant political conversation with me. although i suppose the commute home with Lord Allen, Dr Reverend Palmer and future Mrs Palmer which was impacted worse by miss double c and her latest boyfriend that looks almost exactly the same apart from being a foot taller. so the week isn't going well so far however there is one positive thing that has happened this week, i no longer need to spend a pound on one of my angels and her companion (who were married on facebook but divorced, mutually deciding to end their terms as bachelor and bachelorrete) to go on a honeymoon somewhere nice which from the perspective of the male in question would be to WHSmiths so he can purchase a bag of haribo which half of which would be thrown at groups of people in the playground and get stuck in my competitive curls, with the other half consumed in 2 mouthfuls by this monkey impersonator. something has changed recently in the world, according to miss Jones it's me becoming human (whatever that means my upper lip is fixed in place therefore no emotion can ever be shown) or in my opinion the change in attitudes shown towards one another as people struggle to adapt to labour no longer wiping their bottoms and they have to make their own success rather than have it given to them as proved by the class argument during chemistry. however i want to look at things from a male perspective tonight, i look at samples within society i see princes with their big biceps, their terrific thighs, their competitive curls swishing from side to side, writing blogs in their spare time while organising balls and leading by a conservative example. meanwhile a possible princess is wasting their time trying to turn the ruffian with a metabolism into a prince. as a result of this i declare war on the slipping of female standards when choosing their princes that will transform them into their perfect princesses.

i feel the dilemma i'm experiencing is as a result of something my mother said to me on the way home from watching the best film i've ever seen the 'iron lady' my mother said to me 'JPJ please get a girlfriend i'm fed up of having to watch films about formula 1 and the conservative party' since then the search has been on for someone who can suffice my needs for a female companion they only need to be able to: wash my bowls kit, keep my lycra soft and comfortable, cook vegetarian food properly, tell me i look powerful, tell me which clothes would suit me and are the right texture for my delicate skin, share my love of lawnbowls, cycling and the conservative party, be accepting that i am my mothers first born therefore have the burden of returning her to the retirement home once i've found suitable clothing for her, adore me for being an eccentric, be good at apologising for my verbal misdemeanors, accept that even though i may have been proved incorrect, i was in fact correct just in a different context and most importantly love me almost as much as my mother for being the eccentric, crazy, obnoxious, handsome, powerful and wonderful blessing to humanity that i am. it's like Mr Fiddaman told me the other day 'one day there will be someone that will love you and i feel so sorry for that woman/man' unnecessary as i am actually heterosexual. to win this war against the lack of appreciation shown towards gentlemen from fabulous females such as my angels. we require us marvelous males to unite to prove that this plan is most definitely fool proof. therefore eliminating the chances of the ruffian with the metabolism increasing the esteem of females everywhere.

i think to express our qualities we need to compete man against man, gentleman vs ruffian. the competition shall consist of 11 rounds: women rights, cricket, soccer, rugby, crisp chucking, litter dropping, politics, greatest insults of the 20th century, internet rumpy bumpy and lawn bowls with a dance off if there is a tie after 11 rounds. to make this competition fair women will host it, write the questions and judge our performances. as a result of these challenges nerds shall not live with their mothers till they are 40 but have provide me with beautiful, intelligent godchildren perfect for my armies. because what fun is it for a fabulous female to be supporting a ruffian that is staggering home with the headlights of a police car throwing a shadow up and upon their fantastic female self that has done no wrong. after all once having rumpy bumpy with them you will no longer mean anything to them. as they mumble on to their friends about the passionless, loveless night you spent together while the nightclub you were in echoes a song. the enticement of their metabolism invites those wonderful women along a path of exterior colour. but come the morning after as you are shivering and contorting due to them stealing the covers you'll say to yourself oh lovestruck i am i've fallen for a lamppost again; even after giving it my upmost to transform him from ruffian to prince i spilt out my deepest feelings. now all i want to do is snuggle up to the prince that makes me my princess such as JPJ Sanders and we can read his War on everything in the early morning dew! this is similar to what happened to my good female friend Miss Jones who attempted 4 times to turn ruffians into princes when actually her prince was 3 roads away at Fitzharry's. it's like i say to my angels 'metabolisms aren't everything a man possesses, you have to remember they have didgeridoos as well so be careful when choosing your companions!'

'I shoulda learned the guitar, i shoulda learned to play them drums' sang Dire Straits, JPJ Sanders replied with 'i'll pass on the guitar but give me the drums!'

today tutor time was a bit different to normal, it involved first of Dr Reverend Palmer emerging from the music block on the way to tutor with his guitar and a adapted hat similar to one i was made to wear during my days at Seabrook state when i was an inhabitant of that extreme environment called Australia. like Dr Rev Palmer my brother also has a guitar although i've adopted it even though my sister was so annoyed by my constant playing of Darth vader's theme music from Star Wars that i either stopped playing or she would assault me with it before chucking it out of our second home onto the road below in front of the dustbin men followed by myself. unfazed by the threat i continued to play only this time i made an effort to learn a song and sing along at the same time, this didn't end well as the result was a sore arm for me, a sore head for my sister when the guitar bounced of my forearm directly into her face but worse of all emotional pain for both me and my brother when my sister hid the guitar in her bedroom which is like a Mexican industrialised area which requires a lot of precipitation in order to clean the streets to prevent Mexicans over-abstracting water (despite my political interruptions i do work hard in Geography Mr Speke) this has caused the problem that my guitar playing days may well be over, therefore i am left to playing the drums which i play amazingly quietly (silently) every evening once i put the musical wonders that are pink floyd on. using pencils and pens as sticks i hit the snare, whack the cymbals, bellow the bass drum in time with Nick Mason. unfortunately though this does not improve in any way the lack of musical talent i possess, or provide me with an outlet to express myself in a way that does not offend people in any possible way which is the brilliant thing about music. as a result i declare war against people who are unable to respect other peoples musical talents.

i have never been musically talented as is shown by the genuine fact that i was banned from recorder club aged 6 for being so bad at it. as today is different rather than list 20 insults, i will list 20 complementary insults to describe these supposedly talented, potentially innovative, marvelously modest when showing off talents, who look like their about to pass out after over exerting themselves playing a long note on the trumpet, play in awe of great Oxfordshire bands such as my fathers commuting associates Radiohead, create entertainment that makes whole school assemblies bearable, provide an example of what could happen if time and effort were put into creating a band that played songs that exploit their talents rather then having clarinet solos from Lord Allen that nobody can hear as they are drowned out by the person playing the drums, attempt to achieve greatness parallel to Pink Floyd, suffer from a lack of talent rather than a lack of ambition, has potential however lacks commitment from certain parties, provides people with the desire to play a instrument just so they can sit on a bench rather than the floor kneeing the person in front of them to avoid the knees of the person behind them, suffer ridicule from the ruffians who wished they could be talented at anything other than screwing up every opportunity their education has provided them with as well as expressing what makes a community brilliant letting people have a go at something they enjoy which is something i proudly commend music for it's ability to no matter how good or rubbish you are you can proudly say you performed. therefore people who cannot respect other peoples musical performances in my opinion should be burnt at the stake publically while we play music around them; but as my mate David said that his government would not allow me to torture people, i will just have to 'get up and do' as my step great grandmother Lady Thatcher would say as a result i'm now writing standing up because this war needs to be lead from the front so i have appointed 3 men to do this. myself, Sergeant Clarkson and Sergeant Keelan together we will conquer them gaining the respect of the ruffian that ridicules them. inspiring more people to entertain assemblies with their marvelous musical talents.

to win this war we need a triple pincer movement which is why i have chosen three leaders who have similar qualities but are also very different. Sergeant Keelan can attack the ruffians with fireworks and handmade grenades while standing on tall objects boring those less interested in chemistry causing them to vulnerable to an attack. Sergeant Clarkson on the other hand can attack the ruffians with vehicles with water cannons on the front while playing recordings of Margaret Thatcher through a boom box inspiring them to change their ways gaining respect for their peers pulling them and their communities together to make the nation brilliant once again. while i am possibly the weak link in this pincer movement due to my ignorance to peoples actions although i'll just bowl my omnipotent orange lawn bowls at peoples ankles while bellowing speeches full of inspiration and motivation with pink floyd as assistants to express what is achievable through music the pincer movement will be a success as they look at the yo-yo's as that's the way i plan to do it once i've shattered their ankles. having David Gilmour play the guitar on MTV to aid my campaign, as for me that's not work that's just the way that i do it. as i hope to earn my money for nothing and like Mr Burlesconi get my chicks for free (but i've got my angels who are better anyhow). let me tell you this people who play music are not 'dumb' they certainly have some creativity between their ears. yes fighting this war you may get a blister on your little finger possibly even your thumb. 'we gotta install those microwave ovens' shall no longer be used as an excuse for not showing off to the world your musical talent: just because your father offers custom kitchen deliveries doesn't mean you have to put your dreams of musical success to one side. moving refrigerators will be your alternative to going to the gym not your occupation. you'll be moving those coloured tv's so you can watch your performances in a quieter place away from the noise of civilisation. for you see possums there is no reason why success cannot be achieved through music, however what you do require is the belief in you that your performances are of a high quality something that is provided through the support of people who are at the opposite side of the social spectrum to future wastes to humanity that spend our money on alcohol and unhealthy food. together we will motivate, together we will inspire, together we will enjoy unlikely assembly stars.